Not a Monster Anymore (Double Crossed Book 2)

Chapter 25

Before you read this I would like to say that I am gravely sorry for the embarrassing turn this chapter took halfway through.

Try to enjoy my misery.

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I barely hear the door slam behind me when I run into the house. My vision is blocked with tears, so the world is warped and blurry. I jam my fists into my eyes to wipe the tears away, but when my arms fall back to my sides, my eyes are still wet.

What made Dib stop talking?

He got quieter after I brought up my weird feelings with Mr. Zeraf... is he mad because I questioned his methods? Maybe he knew it was normal. Maybe I was just being stupid about it, and offending him by not knowing. I... I'm not human enough. I'm too alien for him. He doesn't like that I'm different.

"Well that can change," I mutter, wiping again at my eyes and walking over to the kitchen chute. Again, it's been months since I've been in the lab, but now I need to fix something. Something else.

When the doors slide open, I don't hesitate before walking over to the same table I'd been using to try and fix my Pak. Just like before, I disconnect it, placing it in front of me and popping open one of the compartments, tugging out the Pak leg inside. I hold it up, so that it's completely straight, and lean over, grabbing a saw from a tray beside me.

I hold the saw level to the Pak leg, as close to the base as I can get it, and cut through the metal, severing the leg. I hold it up, and a tube comes down, suctioning it to bring it somewhere to be incinerated. No need to keep it around if it'll just remind me of how horrible I am.

Three more times, I run the saw through my Pak legs, throwing them away each time they disconnect. The extra bits that I hadn't been able to reach with the saw poke out of the compartments, severed wires hanging out. I see the little change from before; what had looked like a fixed dent is now clearly a little black circle, with a tiny red light on top beeping on and off every few seconds. I've never seen it before in any Paks, or learned about it, and trust me, I know everything about Paks.

I pinch it between my fingers, pulling it out. I hold it up to my face and turn it around, trying to figure out what it might be. I can't for the life of me think of anything. But if I didn't have it before, it can't be crucial, can it? Curiosity getting the better of me, I place it next to me on the table and reconnect my Pak, hoping to see if anything's different.

As soon as my Pak flattens against my back, my vision clears. Before, for the past year, it had been as if I was watching someone else control my body through a pool. Now my senses feel mine again, and when I stretch my arm out in front of me it looks like my own.

But with the clear vision comes another wave of depression. The diluted senses in my body had also dimmed the emotions I was feeling. If I thought it was bad before, then I don't know how I would have survived this long with everything this vivid.

For a moment, I'm at war with myself. This thing could be what's making me tick. I hadn't been able to see it clearly with the Pak legs fully connected, which would explain why I've never found it. It could answer everything I'm trying to work on.

But then, the weighing stress on my body is so uncomfortable. What I can only assume is the effects of the pills is trying to keep it all at bay, so feeling it try to affect me so intensely is so strange that it's almost physically painful. I can't imagine what I would feel like without the medicine- which is actually helping me, if I'm being completely honest.

"Ugh," I groan, clenching my fists. Why is everything so hard? There are so many simple decisions in life, why am I being buried by all the difficult ones? Do I chance fixing my outbursts, or do I get rid of this horrible in-between of breaking down and forced relaxation? I rub at my temples, trying to calm myself down, which is pretty hard with the battle happening in my mind. Not to mention the fact that I am feeling kind of relaxed with the pills. But, then, that stress...

"Everything is weird," I say, for what feels like the millionth time today. I'm met with silence. I wasn't exactly expecting Dib to respond anyways.

With a sigh, I reconnect the device. Immediately, my body relaxes, and the overwhelming uncomfortable stress dissipates. I disconnect my Pak again, placing it back down on the table. The effects of the device seem to linger even when the Pak is off, most likely because the Pak technically still has my thoughts and memories inside of it.

I look through my Pak again, searching for something else I might be able to disconnect. I can't find anything that wouldn't have lasting affects on my body, and shut the compartments with another sigh. When it closes, I glimpse my reflection in the pink glass. I'm so obviously not human. I mean, that much was clear, but humans don't have bug eyes and antennae. I can't really do anything about my eyes. They can pop out, but they're still technically connected, and I do need them to see. But my antennae...

Right before I actually grab one of them, I hesitate. They're important to me. They let me hear, and sense things that humans can't. But that's the thing. I want to be more human. Isn't this just another step?

I pinch one of them between my fingers, and immediately jump back. My face grows hot. I... that was a really weird feeling. I mean, not a bad feeling, but it was just so sudden and unnatural. Tentatively, I reach up again, tensing up a little bit when my fingers connect.

"Mmmhn," I moan, squeezing my eyes shut. How have I never done this before? I've been alive for so long, you'd think it would have happened at least once. Some kind of warning from a control brain, maybe? I lower my hand. It is not going to be easy to cut these off with that... that sensitivity. How many nerves do these things even have? Why does being human have to be such a struggle?

Clenching my teeth, I grip the saw in my hand. It seems a bit overkill. Maybe I could just use a knife. Something small will definitely get the job done. I put the saw back where it goes, grabbing a much smaller blade from beside it.

I'm much more hesitant to touch my antennae now. Knowing exactly what... else... they can do, I kind of don't want to get rid of them. It's a selfish thought, but I didn't find that feeling to be painful. Quite the opposite actually. But, then again, I don't really want to touch them again, either. While the feeling was good, at the same time... it's so awkward.

But... this is what Dib wants, right? This will make him talk to me again. It's only for a little bit. In a few minutes, I won't even remember. Right?

I bite my lip, grabbing my right antenna. My face grows hot again, and my eyes shut instinctually. I strain myself to keep from responding, and lift the knife up to level with the antenna. Slowly, I slide the blade toward the stalk.

"Ghaah," I moan, the feeling of the metal strangely nice. I can feel the pressure building up again, but this time, it's different, a lot more subtle, but it's definitely the same. When the bubble pops, it isn't as chaotic. I'm more mellow, again, most likely because of the pills. I don't have control over myself, but I can think clearer than usual.

I grab my antenna- again, not as myself- and run the knife along the edge, feeling a chill run down my spine.

"Aaah~"

The moan feels strange coming from my throat; I don't feel like I'm the one making it. But I can feel everything, and there's no mistaking the pleasure that I feel, though I don't know if it's me, or... the other, not-quite-me.

'Just cut them off,' I think, shifting my legs uncomfortably. Angry with the slow progress, I gather my energy and try to take back control.

There's one quick jolt of my arm, and I gasp as my antenna is ripped with the blade.

"Aah, fuck!" Half of me is in immense pain, most likely the normal half of my mind. The other half is... strangely enjoying this. Too much too be considered normal, probably.

'What the hell?'

A strong pulse runs through my body, and an overwhelming calm is forced into me. My body becomes my own, and I sit with wide eyes on the floor of the lab, pink blood dripping down to my face. The pleasure I'd been feeling as my primal self is gone, but the shock I'm feeling has left my head painless for now.

I run out of the lab before I have a chance to cut off the other antenna.