Not a Monster Anymore (Double Crossed Book 2)

Chapter 19

(Zim's P.O.V)

---

I stare in disbelief at the body in front of me.

"No," I whisper, falling to the ground. "No... what did I do...?" The shock envelops me, buzzing through my blood and keeping me from feeling as much as I should be.

He's gone.

We did it.

Don't you feel happy?

"No... no, no, no, no." I shake my head, grasping for my antennae. "No! Get out of my head! You did this! He's fucking dead! No!" I'm basically arguing with myself, but I don't care. This can't be happening.

The pressure and shock dissipates, along with the demonic voice. I don't realize I'm crying until I lift a hand to my cheek to find it wet. I stare at Dib's body. He's dead. There is no way he survived that. My Pak leg is still lodged in the place that his heart used to be. In a panic, I retract it, leaning forward and once again picking Dib up. I don't know why; he's already gone. But I feel like he would want to be back on Earth.

Tears still welling in my eyes, I leap up through the hatch that brought me down here, throwing the door open once I'm up. I run as fast as my legs can take me toward the escape pods, vision bleary. Somewhere along the way, a wall of soldiers appears, attempting to block me, but I just screech, jumping over them angrily.

I finally make it to a pod, and I crumple to the floor as it counts down. I keep shaking my head, whispering, "no, no, no," over and over again, casting glances at Dib.

The pod shakes a bit as it takes off, but I barely register it, squeezed up in one of the corners with my legs pulled up to my chest. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't try enough to fix it and now Dib is dead. Every time I think about it, another wave of shock pulses through me. It feels so artificial. So unreal. He was there one minute, and gone the next. And I'm the one who killed him. That's two. Two times I've murdered someone.

I stand up on shaky legs. I can see Earth through the window; the massive must have gotten close enough to be able to get us on the ship quick enough. And that buzzing from before... it must have been something to turn me into that... thing.

Once again, I start to scream. No one can hear me. I'm all alone. I'm all alone now. Dib's limp body doesn't count anymore. I scream. I scream until my throat is raw, and I'm gasping for air between sobs. I drop to the floor again, breathing heavily. And some time after that, I fall asleep, exhausted, exasperated and depressed.

---

When I wake up, I'm back in the house, laying on the couch. At first, I wonder if it was all some freaky dream. Another goddamn nightmare. But I look to my right to see Gir, brow pulled up in concern, and I know that it was all too real.

"I saw him," Gir says, his usual cheer entirely gone. "I... I'm sorry."

Without warning, I grab Gir by the arms and pull him in to hug him. He seems confused and startled at first; I've never shown him any sort of affection. But he wraps his arms around me, patting me on the back reassuringly. He knows that right now is not the time to be silly.

When I eventually back up, I sit back normally, tears still in my eyes. I don't even think I've stopped crying since Dib died. My cheeks were still wet when I woke up. I turn to Gir.

"Thank you..." I mumble. I take a breath. "I should go... tell Gaz." Gir nods, and I grab my disguise, getting up slowly and walking out the door. Gir doesn't say a word as I leave.

---

I don't want to knock. I don't want to knock because when the door opens, she's going to be so mad at me. She might even kill me. And you know what? That doesn't sound too bad right now. I sigh and knock.

The door opens a few seconds later, and Gaz huffs. "What the hell do you-" She stops when she sees me, and her expression softens. "What happened?"

I keep my eyes down. "We should... sit," I mutter, and Gaz opens the door further, allowing me in to sit on the couch. She shuts the door softly and makes her way over.

"What's wrong?" she asks, leaning forward a bit, eyebrows pulled up.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep more tears from falling. "D-Dib is... he's... He's dead."

Immediately, Gaz has me against the wall, her forearm pressing against my throat. "It was you! It was you wasn't it? You killed him! I fucking know you did!"

Defeated, I lower my head. "It was me. Kill me if you want. I don't even care anymore."

For a second, it looks like she might just do exactly that. Her glare hardens for just a moment before she drops her arms, sputtering, distressed. "You... you're fucking joking. That's it. This is just a... dumb j-joke." Her last word is strangled, like she's about to break down, which I'll bet is what's going to happen. She starts laughing pathetically. "It's a joke. It's just a fucking joke!" I can tell she's desperate at this point, trying to hard to play this off, like everything is fine. But just a few seconds later, she's got her head in her heads, and I can hear her crying.

The sight is extremely unnerving. Gaz was always so tough, and she never broke her display, always angry at everything. At the world. And while she probably still is, now it's different. The world isn't just stupid. The world is unfair right now. The world is so extremely unfair.

---

I haven't left my room for almost a week now. Gir has been bringing me food, offering to talk with every meal, but I always shoo him away. Gaz had went back to school awhile back, she'd told me, so now everyone was coming over with gifts, saying they were sorry for her loss. I assume she's locked up in her room too, considering her nature.

Funeral arrangements have been made. I don't have Dib with me anymore; they took him away. That was just about when I'd decided to stay in bed. Now I'm alone. So truly alone. Another tear slips down onto my pillow. The funeral is in just two weeks. I hadn't been able to go to Keef's funeral.

I glance across the room at my suit. Dib had told me that a suit means that you care. I haven't worn it since the night of the dance, but now I feel like is a good time. When I go to the ceremony. I want to show, even if just to myself, that I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to be alone.

A knock comes at the door.

"Come in," I say, the words quiet and strangled, and the door opens. Gir stands in the doorway and places a plate next to the door, grabbing the one beside it, which still has all the food on it. Normally, that would make sense. I don't eat human food. But Gir had been bringing me Irken food and snacks this whole time, everything I love. He's even brought me a few packs of Fun Dip, which lie untouched on a counter to the side of my room. Of course, I'm not starving myself- Irkens don't need to eat- but I can still clearly see why Gir is concerned.

"Are you ready to talk?" he asks, slowly and quietly. I shake my head minutely, but Gir notices and nods at me lightly, backing up and closing the door after him.

"I don't want to talk," I say aloud to no one. "I don't want to talk ever. Talking makes it real."I'm returned with silence.

I sigh, burrowing my face in my pillow. The tears have slowed down significantly, though not stopped yet. I'm not longer crying twenty-four seven, but there are a few tears here and there.

"I'm sorry." My voice echoes slightly off the walls. "I'm so sorry."