Straight and Narrow

35. Danny

Her legs cross at the ankles as they swing limply over the edge of the kitchen table. Her hands grip the edge causing her knuckles to go white. I lean against the counter, staring at the floor intently. Neither of us want to be the first to speak, both of us know there is a lot to be said.

"It's crazy isn't it," Alaska says under her breath, as she speaks her thoughts out loud she never taking her eyes off her knees. "We're twenty and we've got a child."

She falls quiet and it's silent in the flat again, apart from the faint rumble of a few drunk people yelling out on the street.

"We're not in love are we?" She whispers. Those words drive knives into my heart.

I'm about to argue but it's true, as much as it hurts to admit it, I can't deny that we're not in love with each other. Well, I am but it's not like a crazy head-over-heels love for her.

"No," I mumble becoming surprisingly choked up.

"I'm sorry."

Only then do I lift my gaze to meet hers. I see her big, tired eyes filled with pain and tears. Her bottom lip is held tightly between her teeth but the corners of her mouth still twitch as she desperately tries not to cry.

"Me too."

I look back down so I can't see the tears running down Alaska's face and vice versa.

I don't hear her climb off the table and hit the floor but I feel her arms around my middle and her head on my shoulder. I hold her tightly as her shoulders shake with each gasp of breath she takes in between sobs. Somehow I manage to hold myself together.

She pulls away and wipes her face dry with her shaking hands. I take them in my own and turn them over so I can see her wrists. I trace the small heartbeat tattoo that's inked into her skin with my thumb.

"I'm really sorry Danny."

"So what happens now?" I mumble.

"I don't really know." Alaska sighs resuming her seat on the table.

My mind is racing, this isn't how a breakup is going to be. Is this a breakup? In my mind a breakup should be all screaming and shouting and throwing things. That's how my last break up was like anyway.

"So is this a breakup?" I force the words out my mouth, they feel like they're cutting my throat to ribbons.

Alaska doesn't need to use words for me to know my answer, she instantly drops her gaze and hides her face with her hands while nodding her head.

I can feel tears pricking the back of my eyes but I can't cry, she can't feel bad or feel guilty for what she wants. She can't see that this is hurting. I look up at the lights and blink a few times to dry my eyes.

"I like you Dan, don't get me wrong but I'm just not feeling the connection, I think maybe it would just be best if we were friends."

"I... I understand, I know what you're saying, and I want you to be happy. Just please let me still see Leon."

"Of course honey, he needs his dad, you can see him whenever you want, I mean we will still be living together won't we?"

Bloody hell, she's thought this through hasn't she?

"I suppose... for now."

She looks upset but hides it with a small smile and a nod, "for now."

I'd love to live with her but although I know we're not working in a relationship together and I know there isn't a crazy, unexplainable connection I can't help but feel something for the girl. I can't live with her and keep her happy. She's a young woman, she'll want to go out and meet new people, her a proper boyfriend who she isn't tied to because of a stupid morning in a hotel room somewhere in Nevada. I know she wants love and I know she doesn't want it off me. I'm not sure I sit around and watch her fall in love with someone in her own league of beauty knowing she doesn't love me as much as I love her.

She sighs and jumps down from the table and pushes her hair back over her shoulders.

"I'm going to bed." She tells me.

"Ok I'll be there in a bit," I hug her and kiss the top of her head.

I see her wipe a tear away as she leaves the kitchen. As soon as the bathroom light is off and then the bedroom door is shut I sink down on the sofa.

I allow the tears of frustration and sadness to seep through my fingers as I rock myself back and forth trying to find even a faint glimmer of comfort. I cry until I can't cry anymore.

And then I sit and watch the sunrise over the beach.

A/N
Hi all!!! I haven't uploaded in a while I'm sorry. I haven't had much inspiration and I've been busy. This chapter has been rewritten so many times it's unreal but I think I'm finally happy with it. Hope you enjoyed it.
Love M x