once

uno

i love
your voice

it's just like how i remember it

but somehow even better(?)

i wish
i had listened to it more
when we were actually together

i could just listen all day
but talking to you is irresistible
because
once you gave me a taste
and i can't stop thinking about it
i can still feel the warmth
even though i was cold
somehow
you ran right through my walls
how dare you
but i didn't stop you
i took a risk and

i regret

not letting you in earlier
but now is fast enough too
because after the first time
all i could feel was
when will the next time be
and why does it do this to me

the warmth, not only that
but the smile i had to bite back
it just seemed to trace my mouth
as if i were spellbound
and the pounding ache
with every pause
i dreaded those waits
silence not uncomfortable at all
but silence nonetheless until
the eventual inevitable
i need to go now

my heart fell
faster, further
than it probably should have
and i wonder sometimes
if it was a lover to gravity
because it fell straight into the earth
but then i remember
they couldn't be lovers
because it always sprang back up
with every hopeful morning
and every breath you gave me

secret: sometimes
i replay your messages
the ones you left behind
and i wish you were still here
but
you're not and
you may never be

the last time i heard you
you sounded surprised
it made me smile
as you asked incredulously
why me? me?
and i told you to go to sleep
blaming your incomprehension
on sleep deprivation
but we both knew
and i wish i hadn't told you to go
because if it were my way
i would've explained why
why you
and then maybe you would stay

your voice
even through the thin fragile line
is strong to me
and fast and cursive and low
low enough to keep me guessing
smooth and rough and solid
confident and shy and just
perfect

from the first time i heard you
i heard a country
and you knew
you knew
i was in love.