the realms of day and night. || bts poetry

part 43 - close your eyes

[Love Yourself - 호석]
.
"Hoseok-ah, close your eyes.
And don't open them until I return."
I listened to your words
And waited for you, for minutes, for hours.

But you never came back to me.

People were asking me if I was alright
And I told them, still closing my eyes,
I'd be waiting for you until you came back
And waited for you just like this

Where were you, mama?

All I can remember was the police taking me with them
The apartment you left in a chaos to leave me forever
The toys and pictures I was allowed to take with me
And the orphanage I lived in until I got older

Years later I lived by myself
I never saw your face again
I never received your love again
I felt an emptiness in my heart that won't ever be filled

I was never able to love a person like I loved my mother
I was to scared this person will leave my life as well
I wouldn't be able to see another important person
To leave my life just like this

Nobody ever told me where she was
I assumed she left for a reason I still didn't understand
What would have been the problem to just
Take me with you, mama?

She wasn't dead, I knew and the older I got
I realized maybe it wasn't her maybe it was me
Maybe I was such a noisy child she didn't want me anymore
An annoying and unloveable child, probably.

After several suicide attempts they put me into the hospital
With a boy I became friends with
And was there for me with me in my hardest time.
The first person I ever dared to get closer to ever since.

You've always been my best friend
Because you suffered just like me
We had different reasons
But somehow you were always there for me

But one day the nurses told me I got better
They were right I felt better, a lot
But was I able to live a normal life?
Was I fitting into this society?

So I left you, without a goodbye, because I didn't want to see you sad
I will always feel bad for that, so I came to visit you everyday
Because I realized I basically did the same thing
My mother did to me back then

Am I any different to my mother?

I became a dance teacher and found her
She was just my student and we had strict rules
But my friend noticed I liked her a lot
And yes, I liked her, not even denying

And she liked me, too.
She saw me as the older brother she never had
But I was okay with that, all that counts was
That she was with me

My friend got out of the hospital
So I told him to live with me like we used to do
And he did and became my dance student as well
And my life was great for a moment

The love you gave me was the love my mother was never able to give.

One day she got me a cake for no real reason
But she wanted to celebrate the day I became her dance teacher
"Hoseok-ah, close your eyes.
Blow out the candles and make a wish."

I couldn't stop the flashback in my head
As soon as she said that in her sweet voice
But I was blowing out the candles
As if I was okay and smiled - just like I always do.

Still, you gave me a happiness in life
Made me more passionate to dancing
We practiced a dance and I asked my friend to film it
To see how we're doing afterwards

We even practiced after our lessons
Because when you shine, I'll be fine
And I wanted to do my very best
For your chance to shine

But I never noticed my friend's anger
Because you liked me more that she liked him
One day I saw your liveless body on the ground
And him just staring at you in shock

And I never felt so much anger ever before as well
Before I was able to think straight I hit him
Hit him to the ground and even though he was bleeding
I carried you instead of him to the hospital

I carried you through the rain, on my back.
Every step I took was heavy, not because of you
But because I left my only my friend behind
But because I'm saving you by bringing you to the place I hate the most

It felt like an eternity to carry you to there, but I ran..and ran
I didn't want to see you hurt and this was only because of me.
I realized I shouldn't have let anyone come closer to me
Because in the end they'll end up leaving me anyways.

I'm dangerous for everyone. It's better you won't ever see me again.

I always thought my mother was the bad person
Who left me, abandoned me, hurt me.
But in the end you're always able to see
That I'm not any better than her.

I'm the son of a monster.
So I'm a monster as well.