The Struggle

Question One: "Why am I here?"

Question Two: "Does anyone actually like me or are they just faking?"

Question Three: "What would happen if I died today?"

Question Four: "Would anyone miss me?"

The first question is common to everyone everywhere. "Why am I here?" Sometimes it's simple to answer and sometimes it's not. For example, my answer to this question is, "To bring a smile to at least one more person." Being the cause of one more smile on someone's face is why I am right here, right now.

The second is one question that I struggle with a lot. I am a very self-conscious person, I worry about if I am too annoying, weird, awkward, loud, stupid, or ugly. I know that I am surrounded by amazing and kind people but I always wonder whether or not they actually like me or just put up with me because they are too nice to tell me to go away. Even with my own family I feel different. I am not as pretty or smart as my older sister, nor am I as athletic or skinny as my twin brother. My dad always tells me to not be weird when I finally do something that is the "real me," not whoever my parents think I am. My mom always tries to make me "girly" by making me try on "cute, girly" clothes when I constantly tell her I like comfy, darker clothes. I'm like the black sheep in my family.

"What would happen if I died today?" Yeah, big question. It crosses my mind quite often actually. I even sometimes play out different scenarios about how I could die, like a car crash, gunman at school, or even a kidnap turned to murder. These are dark thoughts that terrify me but I can't help that these are legitimate things that I think about. This third question also ties into to fourth and last one.

This last one always gets me the most, "Would anyone miss me?" I think that it's a question everyone has thought at least once in their lives. But this is one that is constantly on loop every single day. Sometimes I can drown out the civil war parading around in my brain with music or books. But when I'm surrounded by silence is when the questions come at me, screaming. Especially when I've had a bad day, I'll sit alone and think about the people in my life and what their reactions would be if I either ran away or died. I would hope that they are sad if either of those things happens but I also worry about whether or not they would care. Would they care that I'm gone?

Even though these thoughts are in my head, doesn't mean they aren't in others. I try my best to fight them and find a reason to smile, it's hard but that doesn't mean I can't try. So, "Fake it till you make it."