After Wrong Number

I just want to be part of your symphony

It was from him and me.

I looked at the last message that he ever send to me before he died in front of me in the hospital, taking a piece of me up to heaven that also died right there in that small room.

My beautiful boyfriend

Matthew, I know you're probably sleeping right now and this is so random. I just wanted to say that I love you so much and I can't wait till you visit me again tomorrow. I think everything might be just fine for us, I don't feel so sick anymore. Yes Matthew, I don't feel sick anymore! I'm going to be okay, we're going to be okay baby. | 01:23 A.M.

I never responded to it since it only took me like 5 minutes to get to him when I read that message. I needed to be with him and tell him face to face how much he actually meant to me so I excitedly climbed up to his room since the visiting hours were over and I had to sneak in somehow. And maybe it was also my bipolar disorder that made me do something as crazy like that.

It's after all my fault that he died.

I did this to him and I could never forgive myself for that. I knew he was tired and probably couldn't take it anymore, it has been hurting him so much. I told him it was okay to close his eyes, to give up his fight.

I killed him.

I felt a lump forming into my throat and my eyes started to water making my vision blurry, but I held everything back in. I deserved this torture, this grief, this pain.

It was me who should've died in there and not him. I didn't deserve to be alive, he did.

How I would do anything to see his clear ocean blue eyes so I could drown in them all over again, making me forget my own name instantly. How I would love to snake my fingers around his soft brown curls. How I would have been happy to hear his laugh for another day. Just hearing his voice lit me up. How I would die to just have him here with me right now, one more time.

I couldn't help but be so selfish and miss him.

Another long sigh left me mouth as I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling for what seemed to be like hours, only thinking about him and how everything went from a miracle to a disaster real quick.

"Matt? Are you home?" I heard my mom from the other side of the room, but I didn't care to respond.

After a couple of seconds she already went into my room and stared at my blank face, but I kept staring at the wall.

"Matthew.."

She sat on my bed and looked at me, but I tried to ignore the gaze that was burning on me.

"Oh Matthew honey" I heard her voice lace with worry as she went through my hair with her hand a couple of times, probably trying to comfort me without any success though.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping for ages. You're eyes have dark circles and you're hair is really messy. Baby, have you been here all day!?" She asked me surprised.

The only thing I could do was nod. I probably would cry for the first time since what happened to him and I couldn't deal with that right now. I wasn't allowed to cry. I'm not weak, I should stay strong. I didn't have to cry just because my boyfriend died and everything else went to shit. I didn't need to cry just because I was a disgrace for everyone including Justin.