the memory i have of you -

memory twenty three

august came and went and so did september.
october came and went and so did november.

it was my junior year in college and to finish my criminal psychology degree it would take another year.

i was no longer dating the guy in the letter. but i couldn't tell you that.

you stopped writing after the letter i sent and i stopped trying to reach out after a while.

your mom told me when you got your phone back, and i texted asking how you were.

no response told me that i had broken your heart.

your mom had lunch with my mom in the weeks before, she told her that you were engaged.

engaged to be married.

something i never expected.

but i was happy for you. something told me she was a good choice. a perfect match. someone who would complete you in the ways i couldn't.

someone who knew you the way i didn't.
as much as i wanted to despise it all, i wouldn't be able to do that.

———

"kara darling ," my mother started, "axel's wedding invitation came today," my mother handed me the invitation.

it was beautiful.

navy blue and gold.

AXEL JAMES MORGAN
&
SAVANNAH ROSE WILDER
request the honor of your presence to the their union of marriage on the Twenty First of October Twenty Twenty Three at half past one o'clock.
San Diego, California.
Reception immediately following the ceremony.

and attached was an r.s.v.p. card to fill out and return to sender.
my mother had already filled out the number of guests attending : 3.

i blinked at the invitation and handed it back to my mother.

"are you okay honey?" my mother asked, as her blue eyes searched my face for any indication i was upset.

"i'm okay, after all, he was always a catch huh. someone finally caught him." i smiled at my mother despite the pit in my stomach. i had to remember that i was the one who let go first. i had to remember you only respected my wishes by not writing back, by not texting back.

after all, i had found myself while in college.

and that i did all on my own.

———

we had been separated so long i'd almost forgotten what you looked like.

it was december, about a month after my family got your wedding invitation.

you were reaching for something on a top shelf for the girl with soft brown hair standing next to you.

as i pushed my shopping cart slowly down the aisle i quickly grabbed what i needed hoping that i could continue shopping without interruption from you.

she laughed at something you said. her laughter sounded soft and delicate, the way i'd imagined tinkerbell would laugh.

i chewed on my bottom lip, while i tried to reach the bottle of hot sauce that was a little bit out of reach.

without warning it appeared eye level with me and without warning i was looking up at you.

for the first time in years i was looking at the green eyes i had always loved.

"i- thank you," i barely got out while taking the hot sauce from your calloused hands.

you gave me your boyish smile, the one i always loved.
you were 21 now and so was i. you looked the same as you did when we were 18, but you looked different too. you looked tired and weary of the world around you. you looked like something had been taken from you too soon.

the girl with you peered at me with curious eyes. she was dainty and beautiful and everything i knew you loved.

i decided that was enough contact and turned to place my item in my cart. you started to say something but i had caught the glint of your engagement band.

i felt the pit of despair growing in my stomach and quickly turned and pushed my cart away.

what was there to say.

you were getting married.