Clouded

I stood there, watching my reflection mimic every move that I made. I sighed and looked deep into the eyes that were staring back at me. They looked sad; a kind of sad that you could never swim out of after you fell in. I looked further into them. They looked dead and different... I looked different. I felt different. I guess I was different.

I turned toward my hands, looking over my palms as I did so. I suddenly felt like crying. Why did I suddenly feel like crying? I cleared my throat and threw my hands at my side. I began out of the bathroom, forgetting why I went in there in the first place. The stranger in the mirror seemed to do that me. She seemed to have this power that made me forget. She had this power to pull me in and make me question things. Things that I would have never questioned before.

She would yell out to me. Scratch the glass and yell out, "Why aren't you listening to me?!" She would pant, scream, and finally cry as I ignored her every word. She just ket screaming out, "Listen to me! You need help... Please, get help." Then she would seem to fall to her knees, only her head was visible at that point and say in a saddened tone, "Please, we need help." I never truly heard what she was saying then. I mean I heard it, but I didn't really get it. She and everyone around me were concerned. They'd go on about, "You need help. You're depressed and you really need help."

Depressed? Me? No, that can't be. I mean, I do sleep a lot more than I used to but that's just because I'm tired. I know that I don't have friends anymore, but that's not my fault. They don't try to make an effort to text or call or visit me either. They're just like her. Just like that girl in the mirror... Trying to get me to go get help and to believe these delusions of depression that they have. I wasn't going to fall for their sick game.

Being severely depressed changes you. In a world clouded in sadness, how do you truly find yourself? Do you take prescription pills and become happy during calculated times, or do you ignore it and decide that there is nothing wrong with you? How do you get help when you don't even want or know that you need help? For me it was letting go of a past idea and finding myself again. To go out into nature, relax, and decide this is me and it's okay. I will find who I was, but it will take time. So, I went out into nature and connected. I connected to a point that my spirit seemed to drop to the ground and cry, her head now cradling in her hands. I felt a sense of relief and no longer felt burdened.