Devoid [Bruno Mars]

Chapter twenty-five

Chapter twenty-five

But I wanted to walk with him more.

Bruno's gray hoodie on my arms thickened the heat around my upper body, not my lower since I wore one of the smallest pairs of boxers Bruno could find, leaving my legs bare. His hoodie stopped just below where the boxers ended, the midst of my thigh, which made me feel naked but fortunately, outside was lonely at three in the morning. The day's heat lingered on the air. I had to shake off the feeling of being in the forest, where the high temperature was literally sucking my life dry, turning it into a shriveled up nothing. The air wasn't as nearly as suffocating here though, the smell of past rain and wet grass accompanying it and lessening it of its strength.

“You should keep this locked for now on,” I said when we were on the other side of the small, simple, wrought-iron gate.

He nodded and slid it closed, locking it with his key. “And maybe I should get some Brinks or Life Alert or something,” he said, making me laugh. “How the hell did he even get in the neighborhood? Shit has a gate and guard.”

We were going to check on Benny, just in case Joseph did something to get in here. It was eerie that he knew exactly where Bruno lived, even more eerie that he knew how to get inside the protected neighborhood.

When we began on the sidewalk, Bruno's fingers touched mine, then immediately withdrew as if he burned himself. I reached for his hand then interlaced our fingers. Bruno glanced down at the connection, a question appearing in his eyes.

“You remember, don't you?” I pursued the justification of my forgotten memory hesitantly. “My. . . sexual assault with. . .” I couldn't get all the words out. That was how much it troubled me, how much it sickened me. Bruno just nodded silently, looking too pained to verbally respond. My heart faltered for a second then. So it was true. Joseph was telling the truth. A part of me hoped he was lying, just wanted me to win his trust by some pity story where he played the hero and I the victim. “Is that why you never asked why I always pushed you away?”

His grip tightened on my hand as he blew out a breath. “I knew it had to scar you in some way, to go through something like that. Every damn day I regret not being there to at least prevent it. I just can't seem to protect you when you need it most.”

But Joseph was there. He protected me.

“I'll be careful with you now,” Bruno promised. “We can take it as slow as you want. Take as much time as you need to get comfortable, all right? And you can always talk to me about it.”

Deep down, I felt bad. I knew he wanted me in that way, and flipping the coin I wanted him that way too, yet I was the reason for not satisfying both our urges. If Bruno's not getting any sexual intercourse from me, would he get it from someone else? I pushed back the thought as quickly as it came with a sick churn of my stomach, and let a playful smile play about my lips. “You're hand's okay?”

He held up the hand that wasn't clasped in mine and wiggled his fingers. “Hand's all good.”

“Don't think I don't want to,” I said, smiling. “have sex with you again, I mean. At times I just want you to grab me, throw me on—a cat.”

“What?” he sounded confused. A stray feline took its sweet time across the road, a white, slinking shadow in the silent dark morning. It paused to drink water from a puddle near the side of the road.

“Did I tell you Joseph had a cat? Sounds unlikely but it's true.” 

“Yeah. . .” Bruno trailed. “What were you saying before?”

I gave him a strange look. “What are you talking about?”

He let out a laugh. The houses we walked by were far larger than his, more upscale with two, even three, stories. They had wider lawns that displayed grand fountains spurting water from the puckered lips of angels or dolphins constructed out of glimmering ivory stone. Their driveways exhibited impressive arrays of luxury vehicles, like Ferraris and Bentleys, completely differing from Bruno's Chevy and Cadillac.