Better Together (Patrick Kane)

37| Loneliness

Patrick

After a successful circus trip we return home from Chicago ready for a little break. We had a few games before the holidays but a lot of time to relax until then. We were in a good place in the standings and we're looking to keep pushing for the playoffs.

After my birthday was thanksgiving which we had to celebrate on the road. And it sucks that the circus trip is always through the holiday but it was good for the team. We bonded well and always enjoyed being around one another. Had to eat a thanksgiving dinner together and I actually didn't hate it. We were playing good hockey right now and was actually in a play off spot. It's still early but it's encouraging. We might be young but we're ready.

As soon as we get home from the trip Danny and I go to the store and get stuff to decorate our place with. Suzanne did the house up all fancy last year and I wanted something like that so it felt like home. Of course it didn't take much convincing for me to get her to come pick things out with me.

We pick out a huge fake Christmas tree because our apartment didn't didn't allow real ones. We were lazy and got the one that already had lights on it, but it was the closest looking to a real tree that we could find. We pick up tinsel and and some black and red ornaments and a angel to go up at the top for tree decorations. We buy a bunch of Christmas lights and mistletoe and things to hang up around the house before calling it a day. It hasn't started snowing yet but it certainly has the Christmas feeling around here.

We get back and immediately start to decorate the apartment. I assemble the tree and she puts up some lights around the window. Once I got the seven foot tree to stand up by itself we strategically place the ornaments on the tree and get the angel on the top.

"It's cute" she smiles as we finish.

"You're cute" I say tapping her nose and she giggles.

"Okay. I'll get the rest of the lights up and you can finish up the living room" she suggests.

"You sure you want the tall persons job" I tease.

"Watch it or ill go WWE on your ass with this ladder" she threatens pointing the ladder at me.

She starts to put up lights and I hang up some stockings by the tv and garland and mistletoe on the shelves and stuff in the living room. I stop what I'm doing to watch as she puts up the lights. She was wearing the legging that made her butt look extra good and a comfy oversized white sweater. It was her cuddling outfit and that was a good sign for me.

"What do you want for Christmas" I finally ask before she caught me staring.

"I don't know. A break from school but I'm already getting that" she laughs.

"What about something I can give you" I ask.

"How about a dog" she says and I stop.

"A dog? You never mentioned wanting a dog before" I claim.

"I'm a girl, I always want a dog" she laughs.

"Okay then, what kind of dog" I ask.

"A cute one, one that I can cuddle with when you're gone. One that's loyal and smart" she says and I turn to her.

Is this really about me being gone? I mean usually she just does homework when I'm not here but I didn't really think if she felt lonely.

"Do you hate it when I leave" I ask and she stops what she was doing. She gets off the ladder and closes it up.

"I don't like it when you're gone if that's what you're asking" she says softly.

"You know thats not what I'm asking..." I trail off.

"If you're asking if I get lonely when you're gone then I don't know what to tell you. Loneliness is a empty feeling. It's when you feel trapped in your own body, nowhere to go and nowhere to turn to. It's when you feel like you're drowning out of water and you go to yell for help but there's no one around to hear you. I know that feeling, I've been there and this isn't it.

This is waking up by myself knowing I'll be just fine but also knowing it would be better if you were here. It's making dinner for two but eating it by myself. Its wanting to be independent but still wanting you by my side always. It's wanting you to hold me and tell me "I'm yours" over and over again because it still feels like a dream and I need to be reminded that you're real and you're always going to be there for me. But you can't always be there with me. I get that. But it doesn't make it any easier to watch you go" she explains.

"I don't like leaving" I admit.

"We're always on the same page, huh" she laughs dryly.

"I guess so. But do you really think a dog can replace all of this" I ask pointing to myself.

"At least the dog couldn't talk" she mumbles and I laugh.

"Come here" I insist and she does. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the side of her head. "What are we going to do with the dog when we're both gone" I ask and she looks up to me with a smile.

"We're getting a dog" she squeals and I nod.

"Yeah, as soon as we figure out what to do with it when we're gone" I assure her.

"I'll have to check with the parents but I know there's two little boys who would love to dog sit every once in a while" she says.

"True, and how are you expecting to get the dog back from them" I ask and she giggles.

"Candy" she claims and I laugh.

"Okay, I guess we're getting a dog then" I say.

I kiss her head then she goes into the kitchen to make Christmas cookies. She bakes them then I help decorate. Her batch looks a lot better than mine but they'll all taste the same in the end so I guess it doesn't matter. We make a bunch of Christmas trees and snowmen and snowflakes and reindeer and all the good stuff before cleaning up the kitchen.

"Who's going to eat all of these" I laugh.

"You're taking them to practice and passing them out because I can't have the nutritionist team on my ass again for feeding you sweets" she claims.

"Yeah, sorry about that" I chuckle.

We spend the night each having just one cookie and watching Christmas movies until we pass out on the couch.