The ride home was silent as neither one of us knew what to say and when my mother did look at me to speak I quickly looked out the window. I knew she was hurting but I couldn’t talk about it, I didn’t even know what to say. All I could think was how me? Why me? Was I that bad of a person that I deserved this? A million questions rolled through my head and I couldn’t answer one of them.
When the car stopped I quickly jumped out of the car and ran to the front door, unlocking it and running to my room. Closing the door I quickly locked it and flopped onto my bed in desperation to feel safe. Smothering myself in the pillow the warm salty tears exploded down my face soaking in the pillow. All I could think about was how could this happen to me?
I just couldn’t bring myself to understand how god could do this to me. I mean I wasn’t the best person, the perfect person, but I couldn’t be that bad. I didn’t drink, do drugs, or have sex like I knew many of my friends were. Didn’t that count for something? It just didn’t make sense. And the irony of it all was not once had I ever picked up a cigarette. People where half right, the world was cruel, but it sure as hell wasn’t funny.
As the sun hit my face I woke to a damp pillow and a headache. I was hoping the events from yesterday were a bad nightmare, but I knew better. Climbing out of bed I checked my phone. Shit, I had 5 missed calls and 9 texts from James. I’m sure he had heard what happened at school yesterday and I knew he’d be pretty pissed I didn’t let him know what was going on. If he only knew!
Setting my phone back on the night stand I sat back on the bed. Should I tell James? Would he still want to be with me? Although we had been together for 3 years why would he stay with me? I mean wouldn’t it be selfish to ask him to? After all he was only 18 and could have any girl he wanted, why would he want a sick one? The thought of James leaving made my stomach turn and eyes well up.
“Lynn,” I heard my mother call, “Are you coming down for breakfast?” I wanted to tell her no and tell her I wasn’t feeling so good but I couldn’t bring myself to. “Be right there, mom.” Throwing on some sweatpants and sweater I came downstairs to find a stack of pancakes waiting for me. “Thanks mom” I said sitting at the table.
That morning we never spoke about the doctor’s visit or the results, we just sat and ate. Once breakfast was done mom got ready for work and kissed my forehead. ‘I’ll be home late, call me if you need me” she said almost pleadingly. Nodding for her reassurance, I locked the door behind her and waved goodbye.
Since it was Saturday I decided to head back upstairs and lay down. I wanted to just sleep time away and not think about my future, or right now for that matter. Looking back at my phone I realized James had called 3 times this morning. Giving in I began the text, ‘Please come over, I need to talk’. I realized he was probably thinking the worst, but those were the only words I could bring myself to say.
Knowing he would probably rush over I quickly took a shower threw on the same sweatpants and sweatshirt and threw my hair in a bun. Grabbing my phone I made my way downstairs. As I heard the doorbell ring I took a deep breath and walked over to the door. As I opened it James rushed in looking a mess.
“Are you okay?” he began, but before I could answer he started again “What happened yesterday?” “Why didn’t you return my calls or texts?” “Are you breaking up with me?” All these questions were making my head spin and I could feel the nausea coming on strong like this morning. Not being able to think let alone answer I pushed passed him and ran upstairs to the bathroom.
When he reached the bathroom I was already vomiting up the pancakes I had forced down earlier in the morning. He waited until I was done and walked me to my room. “Are you pregnant Lynn?” he asked searching my face for an answer. God I wish it was that easy I thought as I shook my head to his question. “Then what is going on Lynn?” he asked plopping down on my bed.
Looking into his desperate eyes I sat down beside him keeping eye contact. Swallowing the huge lump I had in my throat, I took a deep breath. “James, I’m really sick.” “Like the flu sick?” he asked confused. No longer being able to keep eye contact my eyes met the floor. “No James, I mean I’m really sick,” I began “After what happened at school yesterday mom brought me to the doctors and they ran some tests, the results came back positive for stage 3 ovarian cancer.” The words still stung to say out loud.
I didn’t have to look at him to know he was in shock, I mean so was I and it was happening to me. With all the courage I had I brought my eyes to his. Out of all the reactions I had played through my head of what he might do this was much worse. James was actually crying, which brought tears to my eyes. Out of the 3 years we had been together I had never seen him cry and seeing him cry now, knowing it was because of me, made me feel so guilty.
“If you want to leave me I understand” I told him honestly. I mean I couldn’t blame him if he chose not to go through this with me. This was not his duty; this was solely my burden to bear. Although I was being honest and wouldn’t blame him I still couldn’t meet his eyes because even though I knew it was selfish of me, I wanted him to stay and go through it with me. I needed him now more than ever.
“Lynn, how could you even suggest that?” he asked with hurt in his voice. “I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered lifting my chin with his finger making me make eye contact. From the look in his eyes I knew he was telling the truth, he wasn’t going anywhere. Even I knew it was selfish and should let him go, I just couldn’t. In my heart I had a feeling that he needed to stick around, that he would be a good reason for fighting this.
After we discussed everything we just laid on my bed cuddling in silence. I could tell he wanted to talk more about it but he never spoke or forced me to speak, which I thanked. He just simply held me in his arms and stroked my head playing with my hair like he always did. It felt nice and I didn’t mind, and I knew it was meant to soothe me. That’s why I hated the fact that all I could think about was if in a few months would there even be hair to stroke? The thought saddened me and I quickly pushed it out my head, or at least to the back.
Trying to push all the thoughts out of my head I nuzzled closer to his chest and closed my eyes. I knew that things where just beginning, and I knew that they were going to be far from easy. I even knew that there was a possibility that this could be one of the last times I could cuddle up to James. But at that moment in his arms, it didn’t seem to matter. What mattered was him and I, right here right now, and that was good enough for me.
