oh, miss ruby

2

|Josh's p.o.v|

not again not again not again not again. i feel my breathing speed up and my heart beat starts pounding in my chest. my hands shoot up and cover my ears, hitting my head several times.
"stop it stop it stop it stop it. pull it together josh stop messing up. god you're such a failure"
my anxiety has been creeping back lately, i thought i had it under control. this is the 6th "episode" i've had this week. it's thursday. i need to get this under control. i can't keep messing up on stage. tyler said nobody noticed the beat i missed on heavydirtysoul, but i did. and so did my demons.
failure. worthless. pointless. fuck up. stupid. nobody loves you. they just feel bad for you. did you really think the clique cares about you? god josh, you're so dumb.
this bus feels small and suffocating. we just finished our last show of Tour De Columbus, tyler took Jenna out to celebrate; leaving me alone. i grab my wallet and walk out. my legs feel shaky and  the cold stings stray tears left on my cheeks. luckily i know this part of ohio well, so i know exactly where i'm going.
i criss cross through town, trying to get to the old motel as fast as i can. this cold is unbearable.

on the corner of side street, i see something that catches my eye. or, someone. a girl with ruby hair. she looks lost, in thought..and just in general. god she must be freezing. the sweater she's wearing isnt going to keep her warm for long, not in this cold. shes mesmerizing just to watch, i've never seen someone this beautiful in my life. she could definitely beat the moon in a pretty contest. still watching her from a distance, she turns down an alley way, the shortcut i was going to take. keeping my distance i follow her, since i was going that way anyway. it's darker now than when i left, so it's harder to see. but..she's not there, i can't see her ruby hair in the alley way. i didn't realize i was holding my breath until now. i shrug it off since she must of saw me and thought i was some creep who was following her. which is what i felt like.

i run the rest of the way to the beaten down motel, pay for a room and make my way there.
124, i've been in this room before. i wonder if...the dent in the wall is still there. i broke my hand when i punched that wall. management made tyler and i cancel shows since i couldn't play drums. i don't think i've ever felt worse than that. letting down so many people because i couldn't keep my shit together. god i hate myself right now.

my legs finally give out, and i crash onto the warn out floor. i can't hold it in any longer. i start crying, the tears turn from droplets to water falls in a matter of seconds. sobs escape my mouth, shaking my body. my whole world feels like its crumbling around me. and i'm slipping further and further away. my hands shoot up to cover my mouth, trying to quiet down my sobs, but only making them muffled. i give up. i can't do anything right. i'm ungrateful. why do people even like me? what's special about me. i'm not even that good at drums. agh i'm doing it again. tyler told me i can't listen to my demon, that it's not me when i doubt myself, but who is it?
my vision gets cloudy and i start to see black in the corner of my eyes. and suddenly everything stops.