The Voices in My Head: A Memoir

July 24th, 2017

My, how our feelings have changed since that fateful day. In September, when we loved each other dearly, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was carefree, and blessed to be with you. Then we fought, and as we are teenagers who lack maturity- we broke up instead of talking out our problems.

Like we thought- the biggest problem was that you were in Florida, and I- in Alberta.

No, but I HAVE myself done some thinking. 

The biggest problem we face is that we still lack maturity.

We still lack the ability to understand ourselves, to understand that we have limitations, to understand the feelings of one another.

I still struggle with that. I struggle with understanding my emotions. I struggle with understanding the context of everything around me, and I deeply struggle with how I still feel towards you- while, you. YOU on the other hand, fail to understand the differences of our sex and the differences of how we process information.

Saturday night- right after I came home from work, all I wanted to do is sit down and talk to you. Talk to my best friend- no not just my best friend, talk to my only love. 

However that night, you accused me of being a slave driver, of being emotionless, of being an asshole. That I was selfish for wanting my brother back. That I was spoiled and uncaring about you to the point where you wrecked your sleep schedule, where you refused to tell me what 

First off, you HAD NO RIGHT to bring up Ethan like that. You have no siblings. You may say while you heard me scream on that fateful night I found my little brother hanging in the closet, and his death still affects you- it never has affected you like me. I constantly grieve my little brother, I miss him dearly to the point where I would trade anything, and I mean ANYTHING in the world just to have him back in my arms. To hug him and never let go. Yo will never understand that I failed as a sister to protect those who I love dearly. Ethan was ripped from me, and while we argued, you had no right to say, "You wanting Ethan back is selfish." Is it really selfish to want someone you love come back to you? Is it really selfish to want someone you love by your side. You were right love, I am selfish in that way. I want the person I love at my side, tenderly kissing my lips and my neck, his hands exploring my body, the feeling of him inside me as our bare flesh touch...

I'm sorry, was that too graphic for you?

Probably not. You were the one who awoken those strong, strong feelings that I still have inside me. I still have them and its for you. 

Why?

You were the first person I truly gave my heart to.

I was honest in everything to you, and while I still fucked up and apologized and regret my actions, you constantly bring it up, you berated me and blamed me. I fucked up as much as you did. I am sorry for that, and you have never forgiven.

See, that's your weakness. Your weakness is you can't let go and you can't forgive. And sure, my weakness is my inability to also let go, but in  a much different way than yours.

Love, my greatest fear is those I love leaving me behind, cold and alone.  It is greater than my fear of spiders, greater than my fear of failing. It is the one thing that will consume me until the day I die. I cannot stop loving you. While you talk about dreams and hoping for me to explore the world, and THEN, accusing me of not caring enough about you that I would leave my job for you, you don't know me enough. You don't know how badly I was saving my money so that I could fly out one day to see you, or you could fly out and visit me the day I graduate. You don't know how much I wanted that. I wanted you. I wanted to look up into your eyes and tell you how much I loved you- that I would have even left my own country for you. But no, you twisted my words.

You ruined the one thing I was hoping for.

You say to me to be an optimist and believe in the impossible- yet the hypocrite you are, you told me us meeting each other isn't possible. It isn't viable, it isn't realistic.

You know love, someone once told me when I fought against my school board, what I would do is impossible. "You're going against politicians and bureaucrats Chloe." They said. They did. I listened, and I achieved their impossible. I made the issue of bullying and suicide awareness possible in my school district. And still, I am going to achieve the impossible again.

I want to see your face, I want you wrapping that corsage around my wrist while I straighten your tie and pin the boutineer to the lapel of your jacket. I want to be with you. You don't know how many times I've imagined hugging you close and telling you, "I love you." 

I really did love you and that was my downfall. You took my love and you broke it. Multiple times. You left me crying, until the dogs licked away my tears and I am facing the cold world without you.

While I am typing this, waiting for you to call me, waiting for the last time we will ever talk, waiting to hear your voice, the voice that brings me smiles but also brings me the pain and sadness I face, I wonder to myself,

"I should have let you go a long time ago."