Love. A Conor Maynard Love story.

Chapter 49

Anna's P.O.V

"So hello guys and welcome to a not very happy video this week, I'm just gonna throw it out there and tell everybody that I feel shit, that my life's hell right now and I want you to know that I've also got feelings, I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm depressed to the maximum level at the moment.

So it's been a while since I last filmed anything and I know you understand why and get my situation, still I want to tell you the things I'm going through because I know that there's people out there who suffers from the same thing and I know that it can only get better from here."

I sigh and wipe a tear from my cheek as I check how long I've been filming for. 37 minutes and 18 seconds, still I'd just about managed to get done with the intro after hundreds of privous attempts.

"Conor's totally out of my life by this point, I haven't heard of him since it happened and I haven't tried to contact him either. I think that would only make things harder for the both of us, we need to move on and leave what we were behind us because we got two fantastic years together. I would lie if I told you I don't miss him, I miss him a fucking much but I'd never go back to a person who's once cheated on me and he knows that, he knows where he went wrong"

"So to all out there that are suffering with depression, I know how it feels,  I experience it every single day and every second of the night, depression is my life right now and it hurt to say it but it's the honest truth. I know you guys are sad because of me and Conor not being together any more and I know a lot of you will probably leave and unsubscribe because I'm not filming with Joe, Caspar, Jack and all of them guys any longer. So thank you again for following me on this journey so far, it honestly means a lot having you all there when I'm contemplating if it's actually worth continuing with everything or if I should just stop right now"

..........

Conor's P.O.V

The fourth of August

Hello or I don't even know if that's how I should start this. I'm writing because people have told me it helps me get the stuff off my mind, the thoughts that are circling around my head all the time and I write to get over you, to move on from what I did, to become somewhat normal again, if that's even possible at this point.

I know this is weird, since when did Conor Maynard write a diary to his ex-girlfriend, I'm not like that or at least I don't put that side out there for people to look at but I'm trying everything right now. I just want to be happy again, to get away from this feeling of emptiness, I don't care about anything  anymore, Jack always tells me I've become self deprived, that I need to go out and do stuff to get over what we were. Still the outside world is scary and I'm afraid people will judge me for it, because I know I did go wrong and I deserve to be left alone. People don't love a person who cheats and it'll probably mean I'll never find anyone new. Perhaps you've already started loving someone else, You deserves to be treated like the queen you are.

The eleventh of August

Hi again, I've just realised you'll probably never read these silly stories yet I continue writing here just in case they'll reach out to you someday.

I really missed you today, like very, very much, I could've sworn I saw you too but Jack just puts it off to me becoming crazy, my mind is already that, crazy I mean. I haven't slept in days, all I do is getting locked in these sheets, tossing and turning in the spot where you used to be. My room still smell of you, that sweet perfume that I bought you when I'd been away, I still spritz it on your pillow once in a while, when I'm going to bed, just to remind me about what life used to be like.

Do you think we'll ever meet again? Do you even want to meet me? Do you even love me anymore? Probably not, I've realised that now, You don't love someone like me, no-one does, still I hope you do.

The nineteenth of August

I'm officially wrecked, drunk out of my mind. I don't even now why I'm writing this now because I've got nothing to tell you, my life is still as fucked up as it was a few days ago, I'm totally worthless and I don't understand why people even bother caring about me. Although you don't care anymore, you've officially cut me out of your life.

I saw your video last night, the one that was titled something about the truth about your life and stuff and I just wanted to tell you that I still watch your stuff. Do you watch my stuff? Do you stalk my social media like I stalk yours? I guess there isn't a lot to watch or stalk, I've literally not posted anything since the day it happened, the question is if that's ever gonna happen.

The thirtieth of August

A simple fact, boys do cry, we cry a lot more than you women actually think we do. I'm crying right now and that's why parts of this page have got wet stains.

This may be the last thing I write in here, this could be the last thing that's left of me because I've finally decided that I've had enough. There's no-one out there who's in need of a worn out singer who's famous because of other people's songs. The world would honestly be a better place without me here.

I know that I should've told someone, talked about my depression more but I just can't do it. The only one I could openly talk to about it was you because you understood, You suffered from it as well. Mental health is apearantly hard to talk about, although I think there's a lot of people suffering from it out there. I want to be known for the one who spoke out about it, someone who wasn't afraid to be judged, still I can't because really who would listen to me doing it anyway.

An; Just a heads up to anyone suffering with depression, you're not alone and don't be afraid to speak out about it. And to you who suspect someone's feeling down, don't fear to ask, the best feeling for someone who's suffering is to know that they're not alone. Together can we make the world a better place and remember, mental illness isn't something we should be ashamed of, we are all beautiful 😘