ambivalence // danxphil

coffee beans and window screens

Dan Howell loves the rain. The way the drops feel on his face, the cold centering him and clearing his thoughts. His conscious is eased by the rhythm as  water hits the ground and his anxiety dulls to a small rumble in his chest as puddles form in the divots across the road. Sometimes, when there's not many people milling about he'll break the glassy finish of the puddles, scattering the water and causing ripples.

Thankfully, he doesn't get many odd stares. Usually he gets one or two, he is a 6 foot 3 man happily jumping into puddles, but people seem to just turn the other way and mind their own business. It's a courtesy he's more than grateful for these days.

The water soaks through his socks and he shivers as the cold of the rain finally registers in his mind. Clouds above tell him there is no chance of the rain letting up and at this rate his books will get waterlogged.

A small coffee shop sings sanctuary and he steps in to dry off and wait for the rain to cease. It's cozy and warm smells of cinnamon buns and coffee beans.

He waits behind a woman with a child clinging to her pant leg. The kid looks up at him with big brown eyes and scurries behind his mother when Dan smiles at him. Peeking around his mother's leg the kid gives Dan a small wave and Dan chuckles returning the boy's greeting. The kid smiles. Tugging at his mother's pant leg, the boy softly asks if he can have a hot chocolate and gives Dan a huge grin when his mother agrees. Dan giggles and shoots the boy a thumbs up, watching as the mother and child move to a table with their drinks.

"That was cute."

Dan turns away from the kid and looks at the barista in front of him, trying to figure out what she means.

"Uh..."

"That little kid and you, that was absolutely adorable, you must of had younger siblings."

Dan scratches the back of his head, not used to small talk with baristas behind the counter.

"I've got a little brother."

"Cute. What can I get for you today?"

He looks up at the menu, quickly trying to make a decision. Normally he would have had a script in his mind, word for word for his order, but the little kid distracted him.

"I'll just have a vanilla latte and a muffin please."

"Sounds good, that'll be 6.47."

Dan struggles to open his bag. With a quick glance he notices the line behind him and his search for cash becomes frenzied. He hands the girl a 7 and drops the change in the tip jar.

"Will that be for here or to go?"

"Here, I guess."

"Okay, I'll have it right out for you."

"Thanks."

He claims a table in the corner next to a full wall window and sets his bag down. He watches as the raindrops race down the glass. Lightning strikes somewhere off in the distance. The rain doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon. If he had enough energy he would care.

He doesn't know how long he spaced out but the sound of the barista clearing her throat as she walks up to him makes Dan startle. He grimaces as his knee hits the table. The barista just smiles and sets down his drink and muffin for him. He watches as she walks off, her hijab swaying slightly behind her. She's pretty. Actually she's more than that. She's got a confidence about her that most do not.

If he were more of a man he would of cracked a joke or said a witty pun. He would strike up a conversation, maybe make a friend. He would tell her he liked her Kingsman pin or that her blue shirt brought out her eyes. But for now a book would suffice as company and angsty characters will be his companions.