My first time in a psychiatric hospital.

Admission

So on the 12th November, I made my way to Ancora House with my mum, brother and his friend. I had no idea where it was or how long it was going to take us.

After many tears on the journey, and completely zoning out, the car stopped. We'd arrived at the unit. I was shivering and so confused. I had no idea what I was walking into.

I got my suitcase out of the car, and headed towards the entrance. I remember heading in and going down the corridor so clearly. It seemed much more different in night light to day light. It felt strange.

I made my way down to Indigo ward with my mum. It was 'change over' (day staff to night staff), so there were quite a lot of staff members around. So we got onto the ward quite quickly. Once in, we were placed in one of the visitors room whilst the handover meeting took place.

About 20/ 30 minutes later, a lady named Heather came to assist. She told me what was going to happen, and she brought some forms for me and my mum to sign.

Soon after I found myself saying bye. I didn't know when I'd see her again. Although I wasn't close to my mum by ANY stretch, it felt weird and wrong leaving her because I'd been around her every single day for the past 17 years.

After saying bye to mum, I was taken through onto the ward. She was showing me room by room as we passed each one. At the end of the first corridor, there was a nurses station (office). To the left is what I call the left wing. We went in that direction to look around. Two minutes later, we went to the right wing. I was approaching the other patients. I could hear them before I could see them; they were watching a movie.

A sudden overwhelming feeling rushed through my body. They were looking at me, as I tried to avoid looking at them. I instantly felt judged and out of place.

Two of the girls in particular stood out to me; they were like walking skeletons. They were so thin and frail. Straight away I felt like a failure. I didn't feel thin enough. I felt like I shouldn't have been there. I didn't feel ill at all, I couldn't understand why I was admitted.

We walked past the girls, and I was shown to my room. "My room" didn't really feel like the right thing to call it, but it really did become MY room during the time I was there.

I got to my room, where I was shown where everything is, and how to use the new mood lights. I thought they were so cool - you could set the lights to any colour you wanted. They felt so soothing.

I was told my belongings would be searched whilst I was in the visitors room. So when we got to my room, that was done. Safe to say, most of my things got taken off me. But not forever, they went into a safe box in the storage space. Each patient is assigned a storage box, charging point and a food box in the kitchen (for other patients except eating disorder patients).

After my room exploration, I was taken to the clinic. Because I came from a different hospital, I had to have swabs done. I had one in the inside of my cheek, and along my groin area. I can't remember if we did anything else. They wanted to do weight, but they take weights in the morning there as it's more accurate. I was to be weighed twice weekly; Monday morning and Friday morning. Only CHEDS patients were weighed that often. I don't know about other patients. But I also had to have my vitals done everyday too; sitting and standing.

Moving forwards, after I'd unpacked my belongings and sorted my room how I wanted it, I was soon called for supper. My first meal there. I couldn't do it, I couldn't bring myself to have anything. I cried, and I refused. I had 15 minutes to complete the biscuits and the milky drink. I just couldn't do it. Time was soon up before I knew it, and I was soon greeted with my first ever ensure supplement drink. I didn't know how things worked, so I completed the supplement drink. I was scared of what would happen if I didn't. I didn't want to refuse incase they threatened me with the tube! (Nasogastric) - it's where a tube goes through your nose down into your stomach, and liquids are passed through that way.

After supper, I went to my room, got into my pyjamas, did whatever in the bathroom, and got into bed. IT WAS NOT COMFY. Bloody awful it was. I soon realised I wouldn't have a comfortable sleep. No sooner after getting into bed, the tears started flowing again. And then the silent screams. I still couldn't understand why I was in there. I started asking myself what I'd done. I felt so alone and isolated. More than I already was feeling.

I think I EVENTUALLY managed to close my eyes, but no sooner or later I was awake again. They came to do their checks on me, and when they do so, they turn the frigging big light on! I was blinded! I was dreading the night. If they were going to do that every half hour, how on EARTH was I going to get any rest.