Suicide Risk (Loose Threads 2)

That same day, I got another visit from the usual suspects, but this time at work, although it was past normal working hours. They came into the company without causing any damage, obviously. They recognized me as soon as they saw me, and therefore left after saying hello.

The next day, my boss called. He was worried, and ordered me to take a medical leave. He tried to sound concerned (even though I assured him everything was fine, aside from the repeated inconveniences), but I got the impression that he was more worried about clearing the company from any responsibilities regarding what could happen, than for my well-being. But I suppose that’s part of his job.

Two days later, I had the medical appointment I was ordered to take. All it took was me mentioning the repeated Life Rescue alerts, and I was given medical leave immediately. The doctor also advised me to get urgent psychological counseling. No matter how much I swore that I didn’t need it, or that I had too much urgent work to do, he insisted, and I was basically in house arrest for the next few days.

I took advantage of that time to get some work done. I always thought that my job was perfectly suited to work from home, and I decided to prove it.

This won’t surprise you, but I got another visit soon after.

This time there was no invasion, not even a forced door. They rang my doorbell, I went to see who it was and one of the usual paramedics was there. The talk basically went like this:

“Good evening. How are you today?”

“I’m fine, as always. Good night.”

“Ok. Good night, see you next time.”

Just that.

It was the last straw for me. I went straight to the computer, and deleted all my public profiles and their archives from all the places I could think of.

Then I got back to work, and that’s how I spent the following days.

A few days later the paramedic knocked on my door, someone else came. This time it was my ex, who for some reason insisted that I took her to the movies. I assured her that I had too much work to do, but she was so insisting (and I admit, I was never able to say no to her, although I said “later” too many times) that I gave in, and we went out for dinner, something I hadn’t done in a long while, and I admit, it felt good.

When I returned home, I found more visitors. This time it wasn’t the fire department, or the paramedics, or the police.

It was my friends. All my friends, that apparently had broken in (not too difficult with the door still damaged) and had arranged a party at my home while I was out.

I asked them why on earth did they do that, and the clearest answer I got was from my ex:

“We heard about everything. We got worried.”

I was overwhelmed by a huge tenderness towards everyone, and I realized two things. The first was that I always thought of myself as having lots of friends, and yet I didn’t think there were that many people there, even though all of those I consider worthy of the term were. The second was that I hadn’t talked to even with my closest friends in weeks.

It was the first time in a long time that I spent a night with friends, and not thinking about work. I can’t say anything else worth mentioning happened that night, but we all had a good time. At a certain point, just from watching my friends enjoying each other’s company, I had to hide in the bathroom so that I could cry without anyone noticing.

Rarely have I felt that happy.

Since then, even though I have returned to my job, I’ve tried not to take any work home. I haven’t gone back online. I found out I’m better off without it, because it gave me the illusion of being close to people when I was driving them away that without realizing it. Instead, I make a point of talking every day with at least one of the people that are dear to me, through whatever means. And when I can afford it, I go out with some of them.

It’s not an amazing life, but it’s much better than the one I had before, even though I didn’t notice anything wrong while I was living it.

I won’t go so far as to say I was in a depression (although I believe I was on its way to one) and I certainly won’t say I would eventually kill myself. I don’t believe it would come down to that.

But one way or the other, Life Rescue did save my life. And I thought you should, and would like to, know that.

Best regards, and with huge gratitude,

Norberto Neves

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