Flesh and Bone ◇ Bucky Barnes ◇

Chapter XX: Hellfire

Joana

She felt absolutely useless, like a cat that was hit by a car. She hobbled down the hallways. The casts on her arm and leg were like anchors, weighing her down. She avoided everyone she could. When she did cross paths with someone in the corridors, she would avert her eyes, but she could still feel their gaze on her and it added to the weight on her shoulders. She spent most of her time wandering the halls, because laying alone in the solitude and silence of her room was not something she enjoyed. There were times when she made her way to the training rooms, but she was only able to stand by the punching back and lightly tap it with her uncast hand. She felt useless.
Natalia came back a few months after she left and immediately went to find Joana. Their reunion was one of many embraces. Joana's leg and arm were no longer in a cast. The scabs on her wounds slowly turning to scars. Natalia apologized many times for not being there, but Joana simply wanted to ask her how her mission went. Once their were alone in Joana's quiet room, Joana asked what she was ordered to do. Natalia sat on Joana's bed with a sigh, hands clasped together.
"I wasn't sure he was guilty," she told Joana. "He just seemed so...kind? Compassionate, you know? He didn't deserve it."
"But you did it anyway," Joana added with a sigh, sitting beside her friend. "What did they have you do?"
Joana pursed her lips, sucking in her cheeks as if she was trying not to cry.
"You know what Black Widows do, Joana. Don't make me say it."
Joana nodded and put her arm around her friend, whose lower lip started to quiver.
"I've killed people before, Joana, why does this one hurt so much?" Natalia asked, her voice strained. It sounded as if someone had punched her in the stomach and she was still trying to regain her breath. Joana kissed the top of her head.
"Because he was innocent, Natalia," she told her in a soft, low voice. Natalia looked up from her hands to Joana's face. Her green eyes were swimming with tears and hurt, a confusion she couldn't explain. Natalia leaned her head on Joana's shoulder. Joana held out her slowly healing hand. Instead of holding it like she thought she would, Natalia ran her thumb along the slowly healing wound in the middle of her hand.
"Will it scar?" She asked. Joana nodded once, suddenly aware of the vulnerability the wound caused. If Natalia so much as put pressure on the scar, Joana would be riddled with pain. Natalia looked up from the hand and to Joana's chest and face. She brushed her fingers across the scabs on her face and neck.
"I could kill him for doing this to us, to you." There was a growl in Natalia's voice. "He still doesn't know about James?"
Joana shook her head.
"No. We've been careful since you've been away."
"Good. I do have one other question, though."
"Hmm?"
"Why did you do it?"
"Pardon?"
"Why would you allow him to beat you like that, to assault you in such a crude way, for murderers like me and James?" Natalia asked. Joana stood, rubbing her hands on her pants.
"I, uh, you two are my only friends. What else could I do? Besides, I've probably killed more people than you." Joana rubbed her hands together, pain exploding in her hand, but it helped clear her mind. Natalia stood as well, looming beside Joana.
"Joana, please, don't lie to me. Tell me, why would you risk your life for us?"
Joana looked away from Natalia, refusing to look her in the eye.
"I know you wouldn't have done it just for me. You've only known me for a few years. You and James were friends before HYDRA, yes? You told me that. You did it for him. Why?"
Joana opened her mouth as if she was going to answer, but then she turned away from her friend once again, running her hands over her face. Natalia felt her heart drop. "You're in love with him."
Joana turned her head towards Natalia and looked away once again.
"You let Pierce beat you half to death because you're in love with James. Am I right?" Joana continued to be silent. "Joana, am I right?"
Joana whirled around.
"Yes! Alright? Yes. I'm in love with him. We were together before the war. HYDRA took me so I could be their play thing, so I could break him in every way possible. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Joana asked, her words sharp and precise, hitting Natalia like blows to the stomach.
"Joana, you have to tell him." Joana scoffed and turned her back. "If you don't, I will."
Joana spun around so quickly that Natalia had no time to respond. Joana shoved the red head into a wall, her arm across her neck.
"Natalia, you will never say that, ever again," Joana growled.
"Why not?" Natalia snapped, trying to push her friend away. "Everything you've done, you've done it for him. You don't think I noticed? You don't think I know what Pierce makes you do? I know. And now I know why you do it without protest. Why not tell him?"
"First of all, if I tell Bucky that I was more than just his friend before this, Pierce will kill him and me and probably you too. Second, if Bucky starts to remember all the things that happened to us in the early years, he'll start to remember all the terrible things I've done for him. He'll remember everyone I've killed in front of him, every time I turned into some kind of monster from hell. He would never look at me the same way he looked at me before all of this. Not the way he looks at you. And there's the final reason." Joana stopped and took a breath.
"Me?"