Brothers at War [#Wattys2017]

ten (i)

"I don't know how to make this anymore simple for you. I am not lusting after you. I don't just want your body and I sure as hell don't just want you in my bed. I just want you."

As I walked away from Markus, and headed back to the safety of my bedroom, those were the words which lingered in my head.

I knew, the moment I walked away without a response, that it was time for me to leave. It was time that I went back to my life and to the reality which I had become accustomed to since the day I told Matt that I no longer wanted to see him: the life which revolved around my daughter and my job.

I could never live this life and it wasn't possible for me to be falling in love with someone I had taught myself to despise. Markus and I would only poison each other in the end, and I had Callie to think about.

This wasn't a situation which simply revolved around me. I didn't want to have something with Markus and give Calle false hope that she was going to have a father, just for those hopes to be dashed when Markus did something to break both my heart and my trust.

"You been with Mark? Better catch than me, is he?" I was so consumed with my thoughts that I wasn't even aware that I had entered the house, let alone that I was stood outside Matthew's room. Because, if there was one thing I was certain of, it's that I needed to tell Matt that he was Callie's father before I left this place.

He could reject her, even deny that she is his daughter, but at least my conscious would be clear and I would be able to tell my little girl that I tried; I would be able to tell her that her father wanted nothing to do with her which is why it had always been the two of us.

"Huh?"

"I've been watching you, Sophie. I know you've spent the entire day with Markus and my wife has babysat your child." I fought the urge to slap him when he referred to Callie as my child. She was my daughter, but there was a bitterness in his tone which only solidified the reason I had waited to tell him that he was the father of my beautiful little girl.

"My child has a name and you damn well know that." My molars were grinding together and my hands were clenched at my sides, fighting the urge to simply yell at him and admit the truth to him where I knew other people would hear the secret I had kept.

"What does Mark have that I don't, ay?"

"What does it have to do with you if I have been with your brother?" I would be lying if I said that I didn't find this situation entirely amusing. There was an underlying jealousy to his words but, surprisingly, I didn't find myself wanting to fall into his arms and neither did I find myself, for the first time, imagining a future with the man stood before me.

It was thoughts of a future with Markus which began to fill my mind instead. The thought of Markus telling me that he loved me every single day, or the thought of Markus being the father Callie desperately desires, or even the thought of being married and pregnant with Markus' child.

I knew it was a little too late, but I realised that Markus' imperfections were what made him perfect, and they're what made me feel the way I did about him. Because I didn't want someone who was flawless and I didn't want someone who wouldn't make mistakes, and that's what this conversation with Matthew was quickly making me realise.

"You do, and do deserve, so much better than him. My brother doesn't know how to settle down and neither does he know how to be happy. He's only going to cheat on you and break your heart."

If he had told me this at the beginning of the week, then I probably would have believed him and I would have falling straight into his arms, regardless of the consequences. I would never have thought about his younger brother the way I find myself doing.

But Matt was two weeks too late. Markus had given me a glimpse of the life I could have, and despite being completely afraid of both it and what could happen, it was a life I could see myself living.

"What? Someone like you, Matthew? Someone who, no matter how hard he tried, could never find it himself to leave one for the woman he claimed to love a whole lot more?" I was surprised at how quickly I jumped to Markus' defence, considering I had just walked away from his confession of love, but there was a part of me which felt the urge to defend him. Especially when it was his brother who was putting him down and doubting his ability to commit to someone.

"We all make mistakes. My biggest was not leaving Amena when I had the chance to do so."

"Well, quite frankly, I don't need you looking out for me. Not anymore. In fact, I don't want anything from you because you're nothing to me—" Markus was right about one thing and that was my ability to be a complete bitch when the time called for it. And, if it meant that Matthew would leave me alone, then the time called for it. "—If I want to date your brother, then by god, I will date your brother."

Not that that was going to happen. Not unless I grew a backbone and ran back down the garden, shouting my declaration of love as I went. I had messed up and it was going to take a seriously grand gesture for Markus to forgive me and consider something other than hurting me for my actions.

"You deserve so much more than, than, him." There was underlying anger in his tone and, if I didn't know the man stood before me, I probably would have been a little bit fearful of what would happen. "He is only using you to get back at me for being such a shit brother. He knows that, by sleeping with you and you dating him, it's hitting me right where it hurts. I don't want to see your heart broken—"

"What? Just like you broke my heart three years ago?"

"Sophie—"

"No. You might think that Markus is doing this to hurt you, but you would be wrong." I had finally reached the end of my tether and I was an explosion which should have happened months ago now. "I am the one doing this to hurt you."

I had come here with every intention of convincing myself that I was over Matthew, and that I didn't need him in my life. I had played games with another man's heart, a man who would give me the world if I asked for it and never want thanks in return, and that's what it took for me to realise that I had never really loved Matthew.

I had fun with Matthew, but I never loved him. Rather, I was in love with the idea of love, and I relished in the fact that someone gave me the attention I had been craving from my mother since I was a child.

What I had with Matthew was a fantasy, a design of my own imagination. But, what I had with Markus, that had the potential to be something special, and I had thrown that away because of my own insecurities.

"I still see you as that innocent twenty-one-year-old I was fascinated with," Matthew muttered. "Tell me this is what you really want, and I will never bother you again. Tell me he's the one you want and I'll leave right now."

"Mummy." A voice called at the same time I heard the faint voice calling Matt's name, and I knew that there was no going back now. The secret I had tried to keep, the hurt I never wanted to happen, were both out in the open and I knew that shit was about to go down.

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