I Review Things [CLOSED]

| Bone Knight

Blurb Judge: I like the part that goes "Guesses can be wrong, good can be bad, and power can be a weakness" It's a nice play of words, like the description of the goat horns.

I like to add a bit of comic hint in my own stories, so (in my opinion) one part could've sounded better as "His tale encompasses two kingdoms, several deadly beasts, a psychotic sorcerer, and ONE COOL set of armor!" but if you prefer to keep the story serious don't mind me :)

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One thing I have to point out:

1) It's called either a prologue or a prelude, but I do not think a prolude exists.

Grammar and punctuation is not the best, there are several commas missing or in wrong places; "sayed" "acrossed"

The first chapters are pretty okay, you set up a character, a king, a quest. What I think would be nice is a little more detail, but just enough; how does this knight look like? How are the people of Heilatites dressed? Scales, colors, of the chimera?

What I also find is lacking are feelings. This young knight is facing death, monsters, fire; but when you read you feel "detached" from the happenings; you can't quite feel what the knight is going through.

This could be improved by, say, using more of the five senses. So far we've had a description of the happenings; but for example, when the chimera eats him, it must smell terrible inside its stomach, right?

Or when he manages to cut his way out the beast, something like "an ear-piercing roar tore the air as I stumbled out, blood spurting everywhere" or even "three screeches ripped the air" as the chimera has three heads.

Something I'm curious about: The very short chapters; is this a personal choice, you want to section the story, I don't know? The thing with short chapters is that they do hold short-attention-span people, but they don't contain much tension, seeing as the chapter will be over in just a couple paragraphs. In my opinion, try to end a short chapter with some exciting event to look forward to in the next chapter, to keep people hooked or they'll lose interest.

Originality: There are many epic stories of knights, monsters, kingdoms, etc, but you have to make yours stand out somehow if you want it to float in the sea of books. Is there something special about this knight? does the king have a hidden secret? I don't know.

Summary: Could be still improved here and there to make a full, solid read.