inside my mind • lucaya

Chapter Twenty Five

"Hey, you can't deny art, and this is art."

I lower my hand from my face and glance over at him. He looks really tired and I kind of feel bad for making him stay awake with me all this time.

"So, uh, do you want me to go home or?" I ask.

"No you can stay over. Where do you want to sleep?"

"I, uh... I don't know."

"Well you can either sleep on the couch or on my bed. I don't really care, I can sleep on the couch."

"Well I don't want to steal your bed so I can sleep on the couch."

I really would enjoy a nice comfy bed to sleep on but I'm not stealing his, and I'm definitely not sharing.

Oh why would I even think about that, that's just... no. I hate my mind.

"Why are you blushing?" he asks, giving me a confused glance.

"I'm blushing?" I ask raising my hands to my face. I didn't even realize. Well crap, way to go Maya.

"Maybe just a little," he says.

"Oh. I don't... I don't know," I say running my hand through my hair.

I'm most definitely making this awkward now. I'm such an embarrassment, such a screw up.

"It's fine. Let me go get you a blanket," he says and gets up and leaves the room.

I'm actually an idiot. I hate myself.

I bury my head into the pillow on my lap and wrap my arms around it. This is pretty comfortable.

I really need to stop just randomly thinking stupid things and then taking them a different way in my head. It obviously isn't me thinking them so who is it? Is somebody just feeding stupid things into my head to make me feel like an idiot? Not that I need any help with that.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm letting everyone down and they all know it but they think they have to tolerate me. I make things awkward at the worst times, or I say annoying things that probably makes everyone want to punch me in the face repeatedly while everyone else throws bricks at me.

Nobody understands this, not even Lucas. I could tell him these things that haunt my brain but my doubts and insecurities are the biggest secrets I have and I'm not sharing them with anybody. It's hard enough to share them with myself. It's like everyday I learn something new about myself.

It's scary how little you can actually know yourself. You would think you know everything there is to know about yourself. But every time I put an X on the calendar, Maya Hart is a new person from who she was on the X. Tomorrow I'm going to be a new person, and who knows what that could even mean. I could change in my sleep, or I could be changing right now for all I know. Change isn't always obvious until it's over.

Is Zay going to be back anytime soon? This is why I hate the quiet; being stuck alone with my thoughts is the fear that stems into all the other ones. I wouldn't have to think about those if I didn't think.

I probably shouldn't keep my thoughts locked away because some day, someone is going to give them the key to escape, and the more I pile into the cage, the more that will come out to destroy me. I'm pretty much fighting against myself in a war that I know I can't win. You think you have so much power by putting restrictions on the people you capture, but when you capture so many people, it gives them the upper hand to fight back.

Seriously where is Zay? Is finding a blanket really that hard?

Finally, he returns to the room. I assume he's questioning why I'm curled up into a ball because he doesn't speak for a few seconds.

"Are you okay?"

Well if you wanted honesty...

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say after raising my head from the pillow.

"You don't seem fine," he says. He walks over and sits down next to me.

"I am. I was just thinking, that's all. See no tears," I say, raising my hand up and tapping around my eye.

"You don't have to be crying for something to be wrong."

"I'm fine, you can go to bed. I'll be okay."

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong," he says, sitting the blanket on the floor and crossing his arms.

If anything can be said about this boy, it's that he is very persistent. I don't know if that a necessarily a good or bad thing, but it's definitely who he is.

"And I'm telling you I'm fine."

"Sure."

"Go to bed."

"Maya, you know that's not happening yet."

"I hate you sometimes."

"Well isn't that a little rude considering I'm trying to help you?" he asks with a smile.

"Honestly Zay, the best thing you could possibly do right now is go to bed because I'm fine."

"Fine. Goodnight Maya."

"Goodnight."

-

hello hello. so i have an idea for the book im writing. i just want to ask you guys something.

do you want it to be lucaya or something else? i am going to leave this up to you all, because i am just the writer. but i would not be opposed to making it about other people. so basically: lucaya, another ship, or original characters?

let me know. thanks :)