The Association

TWENTY FOUR: War

Tom and I broke away from each other with ragged breaths, my heart pounding fiercely against the beat of his own. 

I moved to step away from Tom, but he held onto me, his arms warm and enclosing. He smiled wordlessly, before taking my hand and leading me to the alcove. He took off his jacket and placed it onto the stone seat in front of me, a small gesture that was so intimate it made me want to look elsewhere.

Instead, I cleared my throat and smiled. "Thank you." 

Tom caught my eye, and grinned. It was the same smile he had shared with me all those weeks ago, when our conversations had been about astronauts and writers and the small hopes and dreams we had as students, and I couldn't help but smile wider to see it again on his face.

Tom settled next to me and laced his fingers through mine. A great sigh went through his body. "I've wanted to do that since forever, you wouldn't even believe it." 

I stared at him, a blush creeping into my face. "What? Hold hands?"

Tom grinned again. "Well, that too." 

I couldn't help but laugh, and he smiled and laid his head on the crook of my shoulder, his face content. "I'm sorry I didn't do this before. I should have...I should have been honest with you."

He closed his eyes. "I was stupid. I thought I was doing the right thing, but all I was doing was just trying to protect myself." 

My voice was quiet. "There's nothing wrong with that. You have every right to keep yourself from getting hurt."

Tom straightened. "No, not when it hurts other people. Look, I'm no better than James. You should know that about me. Before I transferred away from Triwood--"

He stopped himself, his voice choking slightly. I tightened my grip on his hand, my voice low as I asked, "What was her name?" 

Tom drew back. His brow knitted together and he frowned at me. "How did you know?"

I looked down at the ground. This was going to be embarrassing, but if he was going to start being honest with me, I had to be honest with him.

"Someone from the Association told me. Because I asked about you and Jacqueline, because I was getting jealous and scared you wouldn't be my friend anymore, because I think I knew you were important to me. And then I cried because I realized how kind you were and that I liked you a lot." 

Tom stayed silent, his face expressionless. And then his mouth cracked into a small grin. "Aw, you had a crush on me."

I rolled my eyes and gave him a small shove. Tom laughed. He looked at me for a moment, the smile slipping from his face. "So, how much do you know?"

I raised my head to meet his eyes, my hand still gripping his tightly. 

"I know Jacqueline did a bad thing. I know you were involved, and you felt so guilty about it that you left the country and severed off all of your relationships. I know you started to push me away because you thought the same thing might happen all over again. But it's not your fault. I know it's not your fault."

Tom's grip on my hand loosened and he sighed, raising his head upwards to look at the ceiling of the alcove. "Her name was Sophie. She was my first girlfriend. I didn't really know anything then. I was just some dumb fourteen year old kid in middle school."

His voice cracked slightly. "I knew Jacqueline liked me too, and in all honesty, I liked the attention. But she was vicious even then, and I stayed away from her. Sophie was the opposite; she was sweet and quiet. That's why Jacqueline was friends with her; Sophie couldn't say no to people."