Broken Girl (tobyMac)

Chapter 16

Brianna

I check my backpack for the millionth time, though I know they're still there. I guess I just want to be absolutely sure. I can't fail. Nothing can stop me. It has to work this time. It just has to.

Seeing the two bottles of pills still there gives me the assurance I need, and I zip the backpack before pulling it onto my back and heading outside.

Two more weeks of the living hell my life has become was enough to convince me. Dad beat on me every day, and when I slipped out of the house to escape him, Lincoln found me in one of our old hideouts. And...

I squeeze my eyes shut against the memory. Just a kiss. He just forced me to kiss him.

And yet, it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

Every horrible moment of it, him pinning me up against a tree, his mouth pressed to mine, was like reliving what he did six months ago. And it's like those same moments have been on repeat in my mind ever since.

But I have a plan now. It's good. I'll be fine. Or, the opposite, I guess. But then Heaven... so... I just don't know.

But it's simple. I suffer through the first period before I take the pills, and then take them, and then go to second period dance. Then, I'll have lunch, and the period after that is my second dance class. It's an extra class, so teachers usually don't take roll in it. I guess just because it doesn't really matter to them whether or not you show up to something voluntary like that unless we're getting close to a performance or something.

So I'll leave during lunch, and no one will miss me until fourth period. I know a shady old convenience store not too far from the school, and I think I'll be able to hide in its little coffee shop... and then its bathroom... long enough to let the pills do their work. Before anyone can find me.

I know I should just jump off the overpass like I planned at first, but a thought struck me that I can't get out of my head; if I somehow fail and it doesn't kill me, there's no way I'll walk away without at least one broken bone. And then, I'll not only be alive, but I won't be able to dance, either.

I swallow hard, setting my shoulders, as I walk towards the school. One more day. Just one more day.

My first period passes as always, with as many taunts as Lincoln and the others could get in, but nothing more. With a five minute passing period, there's not much of a doubt that I'll be late, but I don't want that to be too extreme, so I half-run on my way to the bathroom and choke down the pills as quickly as I can.

It's scary how easily I can swallow my own death.

I walk into dance five minutes late, and am greeted by the ready smile of my teacher, Becky. She's the one teacher here I like. She also dances in the advanced class of my other company, and she used to teach me quite a bit, so now she still looks out for me here and there. She's super sweet, always ready with a smile, but knows how to get serious too. And her hugs are even better than her smiles... and just as readily given.

But I can't meet her eyes today as I slink in and take my place by the barre'. At least everyone in the class knows she's not one of the teachers that will turn a blind eye to bullying, so the only comments I get here are rare and quiet.

The first hour passes like usual, but as we move out to do floor work, I feel my stomach clench in crippling nausea. I swallow hard and keep moving, desperate not to show Becky how much pain I'm suddenly in. A fresh wave hits me, and the struggle gets worse. Keep moving. Just keep moving.