MILK HONEY N HENTAI

all the things we could've done in

i sat on that bus, quietly - i sadly did not get the window seat, but i didn't care at the moment. in those five seconds i got on the bus and sat down, i thought about college. i thought about where i was heading. and i even brought myself to smile. a little. a bit. like a little sprig of cilantro that was useless on a platter of steak - a lot in my plate yet it felt so empty,  i thought about how grand writing would be in college, and i thought about playing piano in college, and i thought about ji riding her bike for the first time even though she was eighteen, and i thought about how she was disastrous by herself, and i thought about the frat parties i was going to go to even though i liked staying home and reading books instead, and i thought about home and the party and the last dance and how she said that she wasn't wearing perfume and she just smelled like cherry blossoms and agave and not honey, and i thought about that time she gave me a piggy back ride and she said "don't worry, it's fine as long as you don't get a you-know-what" and as blunt as she was she'd never say it out loud, and i thought about the places college would take me and the places, the places, i would, i would go, you know, places, without her. these places without her. she wouldn't be there to cheer me on at the poetry slams while reading bad poetry. she wouldn't be there to read my beta drafts and act them out with me and point out every plot hole there is, and i wouldn't be there telling her to stop stressing out over homework because she had her entire life to live without calculus, and i sat in that seat and thought about how good life was going to be, you know? it was going to be so nice, so lovely, so, ya know, mature cool rad in college, a place without jiang where she wasn't there a place without her, where she didn't tell me she loved me every night and i felt platonic tectonic plates shift, and i, i, sit in that seat convincing myself i am right to leave and i remember her telling me she was okay and independent and she was going to call me everyday to make sure i was eating and sleeping and not giving up on what ive wanted for so long and she took my hands and gave me a pat on the back because we didn't do hugs you know, and

i turn my head around to peer through the glass to see if she's gone although that's a lie because it's really just me wanting to see her and she's there! she's there, and she smiles and waves with that gummy wicked smile of hers that makes her look alright so i turn back in my seat reassuring myself that all was okay and well and so i turn around to see her smile again while the bus is getting farther from home and jiang and all things beautiful and jiang i turn around to see

her head in her hands

and her knees on the ground

and soon

she is nothing but another person in the street

we are too far into the freeway to stop

i turn around

and put my head in my hands too

but i can't sink into mother earth or even lean my head on the side of the window

i didn't get the window seat

sad sad sad but not dead yet i am here oh yes i am!

art in motion you are bloodymauve