The incredible Wuzzar was angry again. “Cultch thurok!” He shouted again, and sat down; dismayed that his staff still wasn’t alight. Wuzzar sat in his chair a moment more; he’d been practicing this spell for two days and still couldn’t make it work.
Long ago, the Incredible Wuzzar decided that a lab was much too high and mighty for your working wizard and figured for about the last ten years that if he just lived at home with his son, he could still practice all of his experiments without the loftiness or bother associated with a full blown tower laboratory.
When a wizard lived in a tower, he was constantly accosted by people seeking advice amoung other things. “How do I get my baby to stop spitting up?” “How can I get this girl to stop bugging me and move out of Lower Sub-sewer section 34?” “My favorite tea kettle is possessed by demons, help me!” The life of a tower wizard was an endless string of visitors and rabble. The worst were the salesmen, most of whom sold half-rate wares hoping that new wizards and witches, ignorant of the sub-par quality, would buy them. More than one wizard was the victim of sloppily made merchandise, finding out too late that the ward of protection they’d bought from that kind well-mannered and kindly old salesman was actually a potato peeler.
Even when a wizard put up all kind of magical defenses and bought huge beasts to keep other people away, there was always some damn fool who decided that the wizard must have magical treasure that would lead to fame and glory. Such is the case of the Wizard Bob.
In the tenth year of King Thorndale’s rule of Wisteria, the Wizard Bob, weary of constant visitors and interruptions decided that the best thing to do was to isolate himself on the sea of sand, next to the lake of fire. It worked for a bit until he was interrupted one day by a group of intrepid girl scouts that tried to sell him cookies. After being forced to buy three boxes, he was livid, they didn’t even have any of the coconut creams that he liked, so he decided to employ an army of goblins to live around his tower thinking that would keep visitors away.
Well, a rumor surfaced that he must be planning to invade Wisteria because of the army of goblins, and he was forced to get rid of them after paying them all huge retainers for contract breaking. It costs a lot of cash to disband an army of Goblins that have been promised peaceful life at the foot of your castle. The wizard Bob wasn’t pleased.
He then bought a few gargoyles, a dramelech, and a used eye-of-the-beholder that almost turned him into stone one night when he got up late to use the bathroom. But, as before, word got out that he had these creatures, and the local villagers decided that he must have magical treasure.
“No one in their sane mind buys a dramelech unless they’ve got something to hide.” They said one night at a counsel meeting, so, they sent wave after wave of young village men to be eaten in various manner by the dramelech and the gargoyles.
Those that did get in were turned to stone by the beholder. So that after a time the Powerful Wizard Bob had a courtyard full of statues he didn’t want, constant burping from the gargoyles and a flatulent dramelech. If you’ve never smelled a dramelech fart you are one of the luckiest people in the world. But, the people eventually stayed away and Bob at last had his peace and quiet.
One night the powerful Wizard Bob finally managed to complete the first stage of a very intricate spell with no interruptions, even noticing that the dramelech’s tummy must have quieted down. Pleased with himself, he sat down to enjoy a nice after dinner snack of parfait. The Powerful Wizard Bob was startled to find a young sweaty and dirty man standing before him in armor of pure white.
“Can I help you?” Said the wizard Bob.
“I have come from beyond the sea of sand, crossed the lake of fire, fought the gargoyles and slain the mighty dramelech-“
