The Unchronicled Adventures Of Ahsoka Tano, Book Ten

Chapter Eighty-Two: What She Would Have Wanted

AHSOKA TANO

It had been two days since Lux's arrival on Onderon and his learning of his sister's death, and in that time, he had hardly left his room.

Ahsoka had tried approaching him a few times already, but her every effort had been met with a cold, deliberately emotionless front she had a feeling Lux didn't know she could see right through. The only ones he would see – at least briefly – were the kids, with whom he was almost more affectionate than usual.

She knew how it was with him. When he lost someone, he would retreat in on himself almost to the breaking point unless something pulled him back up.

Despite the love of all the people he had around him, deep down, he was still that same sixteen-year-old boy reeling after his mother's death, almost too ready to call himself alone and friendless and just another orphan with no one else in the galaxy who would shelter him. He would bury himself deep in sorrow until his grief had cooled into a thin crust over his psyche fragile enough to break through again, and he could be reborn as a better version of himself.

Funny, Ahsoka thought darkly. The same could almost be said about me...

But at the same time, it was true she hadn't just lost her twin; someone who was Lux's other half in a way she would never be. She knew the pain of losing those that were like her family, but not how it felt to lose her own flesh and blood.

A door slid open down the hall, drawing her from her thoughts. Recognizing Lux's familiar gait coming her way, she hurried out of her room and after him.

She caught up with him before he realized she was coming and took his hand, clasping it tightly within her own to make sure he didn't try to walk off without her. Lux looked down at their interlocking fingers almost in confusion, but while he didn't return the gesture, he didn't pull away, either.

"We're almost ready," Ahsoka told him softly as they walked. "The priestesses just have a few more rituals to perform. They said they want you to participate in–"

"No," Lux interrupted forcefully.

"What? Lux, I don't–"

Lux shook his hand free, a carefully controlled frown pulled back tightly over his face. "I cannot mourn her. I will not. It would be an insult."

"Lux, please. Stop. You can't shut yourself up like this and not let anyone in."

Lux growled deep in his throat, tossing his head in exasperation. His presence in the Force was a swirling vortex of emotions, spinning so fast on themselves it was dizzying being this close to him. He tried to walk on ahead, but Ahsoka stepped in front of him, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes.

"They're scared, Lux. The kids are really, really scared, and confused. They don't know what's going on; don't know what to think... They lost their aunt, and you're not there. You won't accept what happened, and you have to before they can.

"So you can cry. You can cry yourself to sleep like I know you do every night when you think I'm no longer awake. But you can't act like you're made of ice like this in front of the kids. Let's face it, Lux. You're the one they need more. You're the one who's always been there when they need someone. You have to let go... for them. You have to show them it's okay to not be okay – it's what she would have wanted."

"Don't pretend you know what she would have wanted." Lux's voice stung, but his eyes were hollow with defeat.

Ahsoka took a careful step closer, placing her hands gently over his cheeks. "I don't have to pretend," she whispered.

"Then show me."

"What?"

"Show me how she..." Lux shook his head, and she knew he was unable to bring himself to say the word. "Show me how she left. I need to know she died with honor, Ahsoka. I need to know my sister died the death of a hero."

"And she did," Ahsoka insisted. I swear it."

"I want to see it for myself. You know, Ahsoka; you know how to let me into your memories. It's well within your power, with the bond we have."

Ahsoka shook her head adamantly. "No."

"What?" Lux's voice was accusing; angry. He knew that the word had been an omission that while it was within her power, she would not do it. It had been the wrong thing to say. "Why not?"

"Because it'll hurt too much," she said, closing her eyes against the beginnings of tears, but she opened them just as quickly when images of Jani flashed up behind her closed eyelids. "Hurt me as well as you. And I know I wouldn't be able to take reliving it like that."

Lux shook his head angrily and stalked off down the hallway, and the rising ball in her throat kept her from calling after him for fear of letting out a sob instead. Her legs began to tremble beneath her as he disappeared into his room, and she stumbled over to a low stone bench in a nearby alcove, sitting down heavily and burying her face in her hands.

Finally, she let her hands fall back down into her lap. She turned her head upward and opened her eyes, and as the cool, soothing moonslight washed over her face, she finally felt the ever present threat of crying begin to ease.

Suddenly, another door slid open, and there came the patter of little bare feet on tile. A few moments later, a small voice asked, "Momma? Why are you crying?"

Ahsoka squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head slowly, hoping to regain her composure. But before she could summon a brave face, Anakin crawled up onto the bench beside her, and his eyes so like those of her namesake made telling any sort of lie almost impossible.

He had taken one of his older brothers' sleeping shirts by accident, she realized – the sleeves were so long on him only the very tips of his fingers were visible as he held out his arms for her to pick him up in a hug that would be for her benefit as much as his.

"What's wrong, Momma?" he tried again as he snuggled down into the crook of her arm. "Is it Aunt Jani?"

She held her youngest son close, pressing a kiss into his hair. "It's many things, I think. I'll explain it to you some other day, Anakin." Then, she summoned a smile, and stood up, taking him along with her. "But I think it's time for a certain somebody to get to bed."

Then, she carried him back into his room and tucked him into bed, doing her best to push Jani, the man for whom her son was named, Steela, Lux, and just about everybody else to the back of her mind.

*Between everyone she has already lost and everyone she fears to lose, Ahsoka has a lot on her mind. And while her youngest son is a living reminder of her the first Anakin she knew, there are more pressing concerns about her old Master: just how much does she know about his turn to the Dark Side, and where his allegiances now lie? Will the coming funeral finally allow Lux to begin grieving instead of bottling his emotions up? Do Saw and Kanan suspect anything is amiss? And is Ahsoka's decision to keep the battle that claimed Jani's life to herself really as final as she made it sound? You'll find out in the next thrilling chapter of The Unchronicled Adventures Of Ahsoka Tano! 

Hello all! Yeah, these last few chapters have just been FULL of feels, haven't they...

*scrambles for cover as lightsabers and vibroblades rain down from above* JUST THREE MORE CHAPTERS OR ACTUALLY TWO BECAUSE THE LAST ONE IS GOOD AND YOUR FEELS WILL BE SLIGHTLY BETTER I PROMISE

Anyways, Lux has a funny way of dealing with grief: he buries himself in it until he's ready to break through again and get over it, letting it fester around him until it's a very long climb to get back up to relative emotional stability. He breaks himself down so he can rebuild himself from the ground up.

I also claim credit for the image above, because I did that crappy crying effect  for Ahsoka last-minute in Photoshop. I was too lazy to go looking for art and I couldn't find any good stills, so this happened XD

So yeah, I'll let you guys get to the next chapter now. I'm sure you're all intrigued to find out what happens next...

ONWARD!!!!