Hold Me Tight, And Don't Let Go (On Hold)

Chapter 24: The Change

When we were in the car it was quiet. Neither of us was speaking, mainly because I had nothing to say and I was waiting for him to talk. I'd look at out of the former of my eye and all he was doing was playing with his fingers. So all I did was stare out of the window, watching as the cars flew by in the Los Angeles traffic.

"Terri?" he asked.

I slowly turned my head to him, he wasn't even looking at me. " Hmm?"

He didn't answer right away. He just continued to play at his finger nails.

I signed and breathed in through my nose. I turned my torso so that I was somewhat facing him and then through my arm around his shoulders. I began playing with his soft hair. " Baby, is there something on your mind?"

He looked up at me. His big brown eyed burning into my soul. I knew in am instant that he wasn't happy with me about something. He picked up his hand and placed it under my chin. Holding my face so that he was sure I wouldn't break eye contact with him. " I'm going to ask you this, and I want the truth, Theresa."

I closed my eyes tightly. Lord, he called me by my real name. I must be in trouble.

"Look at me." I opened my eyes and fixed my eyes upon his. " Have you been smoking again?"

I stared at him for moment before letting my mouth drop slightly. I sallowed the lump that was growing throat.

"Well, are you just going to sit there and hold your tongue, or are you going to answer me?"

"Michael, I don't want to upset you no more than you already are...this is suppose to be a special night for you." I said, hoping that we could leave there at least until the night was over.

"Terri..its just a simple question. Have you been smoking again, yes or no?" his came out so harsh that it scared me.

I looked towards the privacy window and the back at him before giving him two quick nods.

He sighed and let my face go. "Terri, you promised me-"

" I know, I'm sorry! Please don't make me feel any more guiltier than I already do."

" Terri..." he let my name hang with his disappointment.

"Baby?"

"What's wrong with you?" He asked. " I mean, why are you doing this? Is it something I did, are you unhappy in our marriage-"

" Não, não, não é isso!"

"Then what's the problem?"

I leaned into the seat and crossed my arms like a child." Do we have to talk about this right now?"

"Yes, because I am not about to sit here and pretend like nothings wrong when we both know there is!"

"This isn't just about me smoking, is it?"

He shook his head. " No, this about more than just that, Theresa. This I'd about the lack of communication that we are having. We don't even talk as much as we used to."

"That's because you're gone at rehearsals half of the time. And I can't go with you because I can't be on stage like I used, so what the hell do you expect?"

He stared at me hard for what felt like for ever." Is that the reason why you're smoking?"

"I thought we were talking about our communication issues." I retorted while quoting my figures on the last two words.

"Are you smoking because of Miguel or because you can't perform anymore? Which is it?"

"Michael! Please, just....." I shut my eyes tightly as I drained the frustration from my body. I shifted uncomfortably in my dress. " Michael, please.....I-I will stop, okay. This is the last time. I promise. I won't do it again, just please stop yelling at me, I can take it." My voice broke as the tears fell from my eyes. I covered my face with my hands as blood rushed down to my cheeks.

I felt his hands around my wrists as he pulled my hands away from my face. He began dabbing a napkin under my eye. " Okay, okay...stop crying, okay?" he whispered as he pulled me into his arms. " I know its been hard this past year with losing him and then you having to go through your recovery, but you know we have to make it together. We will be able to have other children."

"Three."

"What?"he asked.

"That's how many miscarriages I have had, Michael. Three. What if I'm not able to have anymore."

" Then we'll adopt."

"It wouldn't be the same." I said.

"It doesn't have to be. We will love them as much as we loved him."

I looked up at him. " I-"

"We are not trying to replace him, Terri. He was irreplaceable." He interrupted.

"That is not what I was trying to say."

He raised his eyebrow at me. " Then what are you trying to say?"

"I was wondering if we could at least try one more time. For a baby."

"Terri, you know I'm going back on tour soon."

" And I'm coming with you, so it really doesn't make a difference."

He shook his head as he glanced out the window. " I don't feel comfortable with you being on tour with me while you're pregnant."

"I don't care, Michael."

" Can't we wait until next year at least?" he asked. " And besides, you are going to have to stop smoking before you even think about carrying a child again."

I frowned at him. He was really beginning to make and angry and I was on the edge of slapping him." Michael..."

"Yes?"

"Next year?"

He nodded. "Next year."

I dropped my head.

"I think you should go see someone..."

I looked up at him as if he was crazy." Someone?"

"Yes, a phycologists." he said. " I scheduled for one to see you when we get home."

"What?!" I began screaming at him in Portuguese but my words became lost in screaming fans that were up ahead. The car eased to a stop and the driver got out of the car. I knew then that I had to set my anger aside and put a smile on my face for the cameras as we entered the stadium. I shot him a look. " This is not over, Michael." I said through my teeth. " You better believe this isn't over!"

The driver opened the door and Michael gave me a crooked smile as he got out of the car. He held his hand out for me to take; as I placed my hand in his I shoved all my anger down deep inside and forced a smile on my face. I stepped out of the car and began walking along with him as he smiled and waved at all of his screaming fans that was there to support him for his many accomplishments.

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