Gasoline // Newtmas

Chapter 13: What Happens Now?

Well, talk about spur of the moment. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. What the hell were you thinking? I'll tell you what you were thinking. You weren't. Of course you weren't. Maybe the meds have gone to your head. Maybe it's just the fact that you're actually free. 

Bloody hell, Newt. You've definitely lost him now. 

All I think about is the fact that I'm kissing Thomas. I'm actually kissing him. And that, as a result, I may be stuck with just Gally as a friend. 

And that would be a bloody disaster. 

Thomas must think you're a total weirdo. But yet, he hasn't pushed you away. Of course, there was shock in his response. I mean, it was one hell of a surprise. Not just for him, but for you too. What happened to the shy weak little thing that got committed? We obviously left him behind. 

But Thomas isn't pushing you away so maybe he feels the same. 

Or maybe you're just dreaming and you're going to wake up any minute now. It wouldn't be the first time. 

I choose to take action (apparently I do that now), and pull away, placing my hands on Thomas' shoulders to steady the both of us. I look into his eyes, those pools of honey and caramel, and find no anger. No resentment. Only curiosity. 

You're always bloody curious, Tommy. 

I hide a smile at my own thoughts, preparing myself to speak when instead he swallows my words with his voice. 

"So, that was new."

No shit. 

I cough before answering, trying to catch my breath whilst hiding the voice of the shy boy from England that threatens to escape me.

"Yeah, yeah it was."

Silence again. 

Crap. You've definitely blown it. I don't blame him for wanting to run right now. Of course, Jansen would hunt him down. Well, he will if he actually chooses to give two shits about his patients. 

Thomas is the one to speak again. I'm thankful for his confidence, as the bravado I displayed only moments ago seems to have vanished. Maybe I was right, maybe it was just an illusion. 

"So what happens now?"

Oh bloody hell. The one thing you've always been bad at is consequences. You never look ahead. You just act. You fucking idiot, Newt. 

Do you know why you're a fucking idiot? Because he's right. He's always right. What does happen now? It's not like you can go on a date with him, is it? Not unless you run. Thomas has spent his life running, it would be easy for him. But not for you, especially not with your leg.

Well that was your own fucking fault.

See, Newt? Consequences. They always bite you on the fucking arse. 

For a moment, it's like I'm not breathing. Like all the oxygen has been sucked out of me. It's amazing, isn't it? How one person has the ability to do that to another. How they don't even realise they're doing it. 

How Thomas is completely oblivious to the effect he has on me. 

He does way more than those meds do. Because now you're certain. You're certain it wasn't the medication controlling your actions, and it definitely wasn't the voices in your head. For once, they've actually shut up. I wonder if Thomas' are quiet too. 

Because Thomas is the equivalent of finding peace. Of finding Paradise. Of finding what you were hoping to reach when you jumped. 

It wasn't anything in particular that influenced your decision to kiss him, Newt. It was you.