kinotherapy || k.h.g

seven

seven
/sojin's point of view/
-

i forgot it all. i forgot why i was how i am, and that was the biggest thing. i always thought my depression was just my brain working the way it normally did. i didn't know that when i remembered, my depression would get worse again. i wish i forgot the abuse. i wish i hadn't remembered my father's abuse.

i always hated his cold eyes and stony glare. i hated how it burned a hole through me as he hit me over and over again. the physical pain never actually hurt me— the way he looked at me always made me upset. he made me feel like i was a failure. i was a failure. i am a failure.

kino spent most of his time in my room. he tried as hard as he possibly could to make me happy. i wasn't happy. i was sad. i was scared. i felt alone and miserable. every time kino danced for me, i just stared at him. he would dance for me, and all i would be able to think about was my father's damned eyes.

there was another time my father came to visit. kino didn't want to wait outside, but the nurses made him. i didn't want him to leave either. the first day my father came to visit me, he didn't say anything to me. he just looked at me with his stony eyes and spat out, "you disgrace," before throwing the glass cup at the wall behind me. i was terrified he was going to hit me with the cup.

the other time my father came to visit, he first stared at me just as before. as he stood in front of me, i just looked towards the door, hoping kino would run in and rescue me. my father kept looking at me, but i didn't meet his gaze. finally, he walked over to the side of my bed, grabbed my chin, and forced me to look at him. his frown deepened and he let go of my chin, only to slap me. my eyes teared up immediately, and i recoiled. i squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block him from hurting me anymore, but i could feel him grab onto my forearm. he almost dragged me out of the bed if it weren't for him.

kino came and rescued me. he punched my father's jaw and got him out of the room. kino got my father away from me and out of the room before returning to my side. at that moment, i couldn't feel anything. i couldn't feel my toes, my fingers, my heartbeat, or my breathing. i felt numb. i didn't even feel kino when he wrapped his arms around me and whispered into my ear that everything was going to be okay; i didn't even feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. what i did feel, though, was kino cupping my cheek and bringing my lips to his.

at that moment, i wasn't scared— i was surprised and confused. i could feel my mind turn to putty and just blank out on me. my hands, which were once clenched into fists, relaxed. i accepted the kiss and i even liked the kiss. it was warm, welcoming, and friendly— the kiss was everything kino was to me. i didn't even remember why i was crying. it was the softest kiss, and it was my first kiss. it was perfect.

suddenly, everything stopped. there was no more kiss, and kino was looking at me with these big sad eyes as if he committed a sin. to me, he didn't commit any sin, but to him, he did the number one thing everyone told him to never do. he was still holding onto me with the same grip he was using when he kissed me, and it was somewhat comforting, but the look on his face made me want to start crying all over again.

"i wasn't supposed to do that," he whispered.

i didn't even get time to say anything. i was confused as kino turned and looked at the camera in the corner of the room. he stood up abruptly and continued looking at the camera. Hhis shoulders fell as if he were admitting defeat, and that's when i knew what was happening. kino's sin was kissing me. we weren't allowed to have those kinds of feelings for each other because he was supposed to make me happy, not become my happiness.

kino never turned around. i looked at his back, my tears blurring the outline of his figure. before he left the room, he turned his head and said over his shoulder the quietest sorry i've ever heard. it was the most quiet he had ever been around me. he left the room shortly after, and i cried like a baby when he left me in the room. i cried harder for kino than i ever did for my depression.