Tale as Old as Time

Chapter 16

A few weeks after I got back to Boston I noticed things were different. Maybe it was nothing. But my boobs hurt a little. I felt achy. It had taken so long to get pregnant, now there was a chance I was too scared to find out. Chris came home in mid August and a week after he got back I knew for sure I was pregnant. I was throwing up. I was three weeks late. It took me another month before I was willing to get a pregnancy test and confirm it though. I just thought if I didn't know for sure, that if something went wrong and I lost it I wouldn't be sad because I didn't have a chance to get attached to the baby.

Even when I did find out I didn't want to tell Chris. Fuck it was hard hiding it from him. I honestly don't know how I did it. When I took the test that confirmed it I wrapped it up in a plastic bag and hid it deep in the trash. I didn't complain about feeling sick. I kind of knew when I was going to throw up and I distanced myself. I'd go to the bathroom in the furthest away room to let it happen. I did literally everything I could to hide that I was pregnant. I was so scared.

The hardest part was our sex life. He had no idea why I'd suddenly gone off BDSM. He tried to be okay about it, but he liked it too. He sometimes brought up asking Krysten to come around so we could double sub for him or maybe I could have two doms. I just lied and said she was seeing someone. I said I wasn't really feeling that kind of thing.

He never pushed me. He was always about us being on the same page with that kind of thing, but I could tell it bothered him a little. It was a big part of us. To just suddenly stop was a shock for him.

I made sure we still had sex. It was just the slow, gentle kind. One night in September we had made love and I curled up wrapped around him. I woke up in the early morning in extreme pain. Jolts of pain shot up my spine and my stomach cramped like I'd never felt before.

I curled myself into a ball and cried out. It was like the only thing I was at that moment was pain.

Chris shot bolt upright. "Emily? What's wrong?" He asked.

"I don't know." I cried. "Something's wrong, Chris."

He fumbled with the lamp and finally managed to switch it on after knocking it over.

"What is it?" He asked rubbing my back. "Do you want me to take you to the ER?"

"I don't know." Another cramp, clamped down on me and I moaned pulling my legs up tighter against me.

Chris pulled the covers back and faltered. "You're bleeding, Emily." He said. "I'm calling an ambulance."

"Oh god, Chris!" I wailed. "The baby!"

Chris stopped dead. "The what? Em?"

I started to cry and he dropped it, getting out of bed. He picked up his phone and dialled 911.

"My wife might have just had a miscarriage. She's bleeding and in a lot of pain." He turned to me. "They want to know if I can bring you to the hospital or if you want an ambulance."

I slowly unfolded my limbs. "You take me." I said.

Chris hung up from the dispatcher and helped me to the bathroom. As I stripped out of my bloody pyjamas he got me some fresh ones and underwear. I put in an overnight pad and Chris drove me to the hospital.

On the way the cramps just got worse. It hurt so badly and I knew, this was my body getting rid of another failed pregnancy. There was something wrong with me and I was never going to be able to give Chris the family he wanted. The family we both wanted. I was defective.

"Emily, are you pregnant?" Chris asked, as he drove.

"Not any more." I said. I don't know why I chose to use such cruel words. Why I would want to hurt him more than he'd already be hurting.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked.

Another cramp hit me, so instead of an answering I just doubled over in pain. I let the physical pain I was in act as a mask for the emotional pain I was feeling and I once again broke down in tears.

We didn't speak again until we got to the hospital and even then for the first part we were mostly answering their questions.

'How far along are you?'

'Who's your OB Gyn?'

'When was your last ultrasound?'

In the end they gave me an ultrasound, dosed me up with drugs and concluded what I already knew. I'd lost the baby and my body was expelling it as painfully as it possibly could. All I could do for now was take drugs and wait it out. I had to come back in a few days and have an ultrasound to make sure the fetus had passed fully. That was basically all they could do.

While the painkillers were starting to kick in Chris called his mum and told her what had happened. He asked her if she minded going around and changing the sheets for us. She agreed despite it being four in the morning. Once again, not quite sure what I did to be included in their family.

When I was deliriously out of it, he turned to me.

"How long have you known?" He asked.

I shrugged. "I kinda guessed not long after Comic Con. I think it happened at Comic Con. I knew for sure about a week after you got back home. I didn't do the test until a few weeks ago.

"Emily," Chris groaned. "Why didn't you say something? You should have been seeing a doctor."

I started to cry again. "I know, but I was so scared. I was scared this would happen. I thought if I pretended I wasn't pregnant then I could get to the safe point without worrying about it. That if something went wrong I wouldn't be so sad."

"Em..."

"I know."

Chris sighed and ran his hands down his face. "What went wrong with your birth control do you think? It always worked before."

"Nothing." I answered. "I had it taken out."

Chris groaned. He tilted his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Babe you gotta tell me next time. This is an 'us' thing. Not a 'you on your own' thing."

"I know." I sobbed. "I wanted it to be a surprise. But Chris, it took so long. I think there must be something wrong with me."

"Sweetheart..."

"Chris, I don't think I can give you a family. There's something wrong."

"We can see doctors, babe. Let's not jump to conclusions. You know the stats. One in four. These things happen." Chris said taking my hands in his.

I stared down at his fingers linked with mine. The wedding band he only took off when he was filming. "We should get a divorce." I breathed.

"Emily, just stop it." Chris groaned.

"You want a family. If I can't give you that..."

Chris cut me off with a kiss. I resisted. I didn't want his affection. I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself. "Babe, you're jumping the gun. Let's mourn this baby. Okay? That's first. No more talk of divorce or what you do and don't think I want. I love you..."

"Yes, but..."

"No 'but'. I love you. You're my family, Emily." He said. "You might still be able to have babies. If you can't or you don't want to try again because it's too hard. Or you're too scared. We'll work something else out. There's other ways for us to have children that doesn't involve you carrying them. Our family starts with you and me. We'll figure out how to add other people to it later."

I shook my head. "You said that last time. Then you got impatient with me. Chris, can't you see? It's a sign. We're wrong." I implored.

"Emily, I'm the one that believes in signs. Not you. This isn't a sign. It's a struggle. We can get through it." He wrapped his arms around me. This time I gave in, collapsing against him and sobbing into his chest.

When I finally got myself under control he ran his hands through my hair. "No more secrets. Em, I don't want a surprise. I want to go through this with you. Alright?"

"I'm sorry." I sniffed.

"It's okay." He said. "I get it. I know what you were trying to do. It's just not what I want. We do it together if we do it again. Okay?"

"Okay." I sniffed.