Yin & Yang

"The only way to resolve it is to attack each other"

          Adam halts in his retreat and slowly whips around to face me, the impassive look on his face melting to reveal his underlying annoyance. His mouth contorts into a malicious grin and he cocks an eyebrow at me.

          “How dare you call me a whore when you were the one that cheated on me with Ava!” I yell, my nails digging into my palm to control my anger. The grin leaves Adam’s face immediately and he swiftly whips off his backpack from his shoulders and furiously flings it to the side. The bag makes a loud thump as it hits the wall and makes a wet streak on the paint as it slides to the floor. Adam ignores it and strides towards me, leaving a trail of water in his wake.

          “And I’ve regretted it every day since!” Adam shouts at me and forks his fingers through his hair, making the wet ends stick up. “I didn’t even mean to. I was drunk and angry with you for my brother’s wedding. She came onto me and I didn’t push her away, I didn’t even kiss her back. I just let her do whatever she wanted to. I shouldn’t have, but I did. But, I didn’t even touch her, Annette!”

I am shocked to hear that it was a one-time thing and that he didn’t kiss her back, but I am even more shocked that he is trying to justify it.

“That doesn’t make it right, Adam! She was my best friend! Do you even realize how it felt to walk in on the two of you?! Do you?!” I hate the way my voice shook and the way my words hitched at the end. I don’t want to do this. I can’t. I shut all of these feelings away long ago.

Adam’s face contorts at my words and he twists back around, letting out a groan of frustration, and connects his fist with the wall. I gasp in shock, but stay planted where I am as Adam leans his head on the wall. His breaths are angry and harsh and when he does pull away his knuckles are dotted with blood.

“I know, Annette. I know! Do you know how much I have regretted it? Do you know how much that night –the look on your face- haunts me in every waking moment? I can’t even begin to explain how much it pains me to know how much I hurt you,” Adam’s voice quivers and he raises a bloody hand to my face, before he thinks twice of it and pulls away.

“I lost the most important thing in my life that night and I can’t even be mad about it because it was my fault. It was all my fault! I would give anything to go back and change what happened, but I can’t. And it kills me. It just kills me, Annette, to see you with another guy. It makes me sick to my stomach when he touches you or when you laugh at his jokes because that should be me! It should be me next to you, not him.

“And when you left, it was like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even function without you. But, instead of facing that rejection, I got angry instead. You left without a goodbye and it was like the last sixteen years of our life meant nothing. And when you came back I resented you so, so much. And you were different. You are different. You are cold and calculating. You are manipulative and damaged. You don’t let anyone in and you never show emotions and it is so frustrating,” Adam rushes up to me then and cups my cheek in his palms and I am too shocked at his words to stop him, “And now here you are telling me to move on and I can’t Annette.”

“Don’t.” I whisper, my resolve weakening. Every word out of his mouth is like a stab to my chest and it is clouding my judgment. I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be getting involved with him again. I can’t. I know I can’t, but my feet won’t move.

I am more damaged than he knows and he can never know. Adam strokes my cheek with his thumb and tucks pieces of my hair behind my ear. I can tell that he is still angry from his clenched jaw, but his brown eyes have softened into the color of faded grass and it made my knees weak.