sanvers one shots

"I love the cello" (final)

"Classical music is pretty predictable," she admitted quietly, knowing Alex wouldn't let it go, "once you recognize the key. That's F major. Besides, it's the reprise of a section that, uh... that I've played before."

Alex stopped walking and stared at her, simultaneously bursting at the seams with curiosity and wanting to respect Maggie's boundaries. A few steps ahead of her and facing forward, Maggie stopped too and sighed.

"I played cello... for, well, a while," she revealed, "in school." Maggie scratched her nose and avoided Alex's gaze, waiting for her to start laughing; Alex had a heyday when she got even the slightest peek into her history, and since so little of it was publicly available, Maggie knew she would not hear the end of it. Surprised to still hear only crashing waves and the end of the piece's second movement, she slowly turned, with an earnestly puzzled and vulnerable expression. Alex said nothing, amazed and enticed by her girlfriend's clearly vast knowledge of the subject, and perplexed by her difficulty sharing it. She stepped forward.

Uncomfortable in silence, Maggie continued, "I did a project on this composer, Jan Ladislav Dussek, in eighth grade. We had to perform the first movement." She concentrated her hearing and picked back up with the musicians, humming along to a few bars. Realizing that what she'd just done was unconventional and a bit awkward, she cleared her throat and began to tap her fingers together, instinctively performing a mild compulsion. Alex noticed the subtle distress in the twitch of her brow and stepped forward again, taking hold of Maggie's hands; gently tilting Maggie's chin up with her pointer finger, Alex finally spoke.

"I love the cello," she whispered softly. Maggie paused, then slowly removed the hat that, thus far, had conveniently hidden her face. Alex's eyes were wide and soft, crinkled slightly at the outer corners; not a hint of mischief nor mockery were present in her girlfriend's gaze. Maggie released a breath and slightly smiled, overcome by relief.

"Really?"

"Really. Always have," Alex assured, running her hand along Maggie's arm, "and always will."

Alex wasn't sure how she could tell that this was a sensitive topic for Maggie. Intuition and analysis of body language hinted vulnerability, but she somehow just knew this was not to be taken lightly or made fun of. She had so much love for the woman standing before her, which only grew deeper with every fact and new discovery, and that clearly that had not been the case in Maggie's past encounters. Someone down the line had laughed at her for this, and she never fully recovered; something in her died, and she stopped sharing. What to Alex seemed like an average extra-curricular was an insurmountably shameful secret to Maggie, and that barrier came from somewhere in her memory... this broke Alex's heart. Everyone is permanently messed up by their childhood - that's just a side effect of being alive - but it pained her to know that someone who, to her, was so blatantly deserving of love and acceptance, hadn't and wouldn't always receive it.

Alex enveloped her in a tight embrace, gently rubbing her back and applying enough pressure to convey that she would go to the ends of the earth to protect Maggie; a kiss didn't feel appropriate, nor sufficient for the type of connection they'd just established. Maggie pulled her close and rested her head against her chest, savouring the warmth of Alex's hand as she held Maggie's hair, and inhaled deeply. She curled her fingers and felt the fabric of Alex's dress in her palm. They stayed like this, peaceful and content, until a flourish signified the end of the second movement.

Alex smiled and kissed the top of her head. She wrapped her arm around Maggie's waist as they continued their walk, leaning into one another and speaking softly.

--

Wind relentlessly barraged the hammocks Alex and Maggie had occupied mere minutes ago. Alex joined in watching them from the balcony, where Maggie sat stargazing. Having retired to the room for the night, neither wanted to sleep yet; they'd decided to observe the abruptly changing weather patterns as the moon traveled across the horizon. Alex took a seat in the adjacent lawn chair, dressed already in pajama pants and a flowy night shirt. They sat in silence, grateful for each other's company, and Alex slowly drifted to sleep. Maggie was oblivious to this until she leaned over to direct her to a shooting star; seeing such delicate, peaceful disposition stopped her in her tracks, and her expression softened. She stood and leaned down to Alex, slipping her hands beneath the sleeping beauty to lift and carry her. Alex remained fast asleep, curling into Maggie's touch as the shorter woman carefully placed her on the bed and pulled the covers over her. Her lips curved upward when her head reached the pillow, and Maggie quietly prepared to join her; she slid under the blankets from the other side of the bed and came up behind Alex, pressing closer and nuzzling her face in the crook of Alex's neck to kiss her goodnight. Alex's familiar scent relaxed her and she lay back against her pillow, twisting the opposite way and falling asleep back-to-back.

-

Maggie was excited to return home – to work, routine, predictability – but would miss the freedom she'd come to relish here. Lack of structure had always provoked great distress for her, and she was surprised by her ability to unwind and enjoy this trip. Alex's presence gave her comfort when she needed it; her consistent and reliable support was unparalleled and unprecedented for Maggie, and incredibly helpful. Maggie was a proudly (stubbornly) independent person and survived this many years without it, but that was exactly the point: Maggie's entire focus was survival.

Life became about being alive, not about living.

Externally, she was a huge success; her existence was something to aspire to, and be inspired by. Inter-personally though, she remained closed off and unfulfilled, ignoring want to focus on need. Falling for Alex woke her up, causing her to feel so intensely she could no longer suppress it in favour of logic. Loving her had already changed Maggie, flipped a switch she didn't know she had, and she couldn't wait to find more of them together.

----

ok i think im done with this AU thank u for reading and if you yourself have OCD or similar issues, a) you rock for even being a human being on the earth, and b) your symptoms may not match this, or any other example, and it is still valid and i hear you

if you disagree with parts or all of this portrayal feel free to let me know, i would actually appreciate it because i only know my own experience with OCD and the way my compulsions manifest so i might be misrepresenting coping strategies. the ones that i've had Alex use to intervene in this story don't all work for me personally and may not work for you, but i've read some people find them helpful in certain circumstances. my intention is not to overgeneralize or simplify, and if you are curious to learn about other ways these disorders can look and feel, i encourage you to research it bc you'd be surprised by how common it is & learning will help u grow as a person probably