Random Thoughts

Random 2: Responsibility

"So... Ayaw mo?"
I asked him as if I didn't already know the answer. He didn't even have the courage to speak, he just looked down.
"Why?"
"Takot akong madisappoint ang parents natin"

That moment, I felt my heart drop to my stomach. Parang kakainin na ata ako ng lupa. After what happened, hindi nya kayang panindigan? I could not believe that my best friend, my friend of 11 years can do this to me. But before we had this talk, I prayed really hard and the Lord told me, "let Me handle this". So my answer to Mark was,
"It's okay. Don't worry about us, I can do this. Itutuloy ko, kahit wala ka. But I have to let you go, kasi hindi na ako ang makakapagpa-saya sayo."
I said this very calmly. No tears, no shouting. But my heart was broken, I was about to lose my best friend.

Mark had to go back to school for a while so he left me in his dorm. The moment he left, I was preparing myself to become a single mom. Ano sasabihin ko sa magulang ko? Paano ko bubuhayin ang anak ko?

But after an hour, Mark came home with a plastic full of fruits on one hand and a fruit shake on the other. He immediately approached me and kissed my forehead and said "nabigla lang ako. I am so sorry".

Since that day, Mark did not only take responsibility but he loved his responsibility.

During our anniversary celebration, I asked Mark, "honey, what changed your mind nung sinabi mong ayaw mo?" He said that while in class, he was actually praying and there was a sudden change of heart. All his fears were gone. It had to be the Lord's work, because I have not done anything to create such a powerful change of heart.

From that moment until today, Mark has never chosen anything else over us. And I wonder, how? Why? He is just a young man who is supposedly craving for his youth. How did he drop all his vices without me having to interfere? How did he have this much heart for us?

I think it all boils down to the moment he prayed in class, when he surrendered this situation to the Lord and accepted his new role... As a father.

It didn't happen instantly. I saw Mark reject the world slowly. It's still a struggle, but the fact that his heart is in the right place, wrong situations can come but he knows what would matter to him most: family. I still clearly remember Mark telling me,
"I can't lose you and Taziana. You are my family. You are everything to me".

Accepting responsibilities is different from loving your responsibilities. You can accept something you do not genuinely love. But when you love your responsibilities, you would be happy doing them. For you, these responsibilities would feel like grace. (And it is)

I remember Mark's friends asking him to watch the DOTA tournament with them. I supported this, I think it was a great break from all his daddy duties ( all his free time and the entire weekend is devoted to us). I encouraged him to go, but he said
"Mag eenjoy ba ako kung iniisip ko kayo?" (Tazi was only 6 months old)

Whenever I look at Mark change a diaper, or give me a massage because I have been exhausted taking care of our daughter the entire day, or when he gives Taziana a bath, picks her clothes, feeds her, teaches her songs, any duty he does... I always see him smiling. He can spend hours in school but when he comes home to us, his energy feels very fresh. He can travel from North to South for 6 hours and still delightfully serve us the moment he comes home. 

This is the difference when a man falls in love with the thought of serving you, instead of getting scared of the idea of having to ever live for someone else. When a man loves his family, the thought of being responsible for them excites him, encourages him and refreshes him.

Being able to love his responsibilities is not something that he had from day 1, this was something given to him by the Lord, when he sincerely asked the Lord to take over. Being a father is a tough job. It's more than just living under one roof, and providing money. Being a father means SELFLESSLY putting his wife and child first.