Of Life and Death

five

He begins by repeating what I already know.

" We were created to balance the humans. We weren't supposed to ever be human. But our creator never thought that we'd be influenced by the humans. We learned to feel like them and that stopped our ability to work. Many reapers before you got too attached and had to quit. Some even went crazy and found a way to kill themselves."

" The people who portrayed Life before me had less of an issue. They didn't have to talk to the dead or console them. They only had to mark them for death. But even they got too emotional and quit. Nobody has ever been able to do this job forever. I have done this job longer than anyone else. I have seen many reapers come and go."

" But never have I met someone as in touch with their human side as you. That will kill you. It has already started. Hate me all you want but never forget that we aren't supposed to be human. Being human will kill you. Be a reaper. Be evil. Be what people think you are. But don't be human." He says.

My anger fades at his words. He's almost begging me to not be human. To not go away like the others. But I refuse to just let go of my humanity.

" You're wrong. Being human will save me. If I forget what it's like to feel then I will be the monster everybody thinks I am. Even with the guilt and the sadness. Even the worst feelings are better than none at all. I didn't stop being human just because I was marked as a reaper. I'll never stop being human until I give up on myself." I argue.

He gives me a sad look." Grim, being human is fine if you're mortal. But for us it's a death sentence. We have to watch people live and die. And you insist on reaping as many souls in person as possible. Everybody we knew is dead. If we make friends we will have to watch them grow old without us. And you will have to reap them. It's better to just let go of your emotions."

" You make a good argument but you are still wrong. We get to watch people live and die. We get to watch our friends grow old. I get to reap them. It's a privilege, not a chore. How many people wish for immortality? How many people wish they could have seen the things we've seen? Maybe it has more bad than good but even a single good memory is worth a hundred bad memories."

" To just give up means you're weak. I refuse to be weak just because it's easier. So many people fight for everything. They know that the world is bad and that they will die before they get to experience any of the good. But still they fight. It is the only thing humans know. To let go of our humanity is to let go of our will to fight for ourselves."

" Its no wonder so many of us can't take the pressure. They think like you.  They think that if they let go of the emotions, the job will get easier. But it doesn't. It only gets harder because they gave up everything about being human, the good and the bad. If having the good means also having the bad then so be it. Because good will always win against bad, no matter how overwhelmed it is." I tell him vehemently.

He looks at me like I'm a new creature. I bet nobody has ever argued about keeping all their suffering. He lets my argument rest in the air for a few seconds before countering. He's very passionate about trying to protect me.

" How could you think of this as a privilege? It's suffering in it's purest form. And being human has nothing to do with having the will to fight. Anybody can fight for themselves if they're strong enough. It's just that the job makes us weak. Years of constant sadness and guilt and death takes its toll. Even you will fall to the pressure of our work. Today you lost another friend. And today you caused an earthquake with your pain."

" Over the years those kinds of things will happen more often. So often in fact that you won't be able to control them. So do yourself a favor and let go. Let go of the pain and the guilt and the sadness. Let peace come to you, even if it's temporary. It is okay to quit. Others have done it and others after us will do it."

I think about what he said. But I still don't agree with the man. I'm sure he's seen much more than me but I don't think he knows better than me. I once again voice my disagreement.

" Suffering is a privilege. It makes you human. It molds you as a person and makes you better. Who are you to try and take that from me? It only makes you a hero if I want it. I want to suffer. It reminds me of before. Before I was immortal. Before I had everything I wanted at my finger tips."

"It reminds me of the little girl who saw war machines invade her town. Of the little girl who saw her mother die for helping a little girl like herself. Of the little girl who lost her dad to a war he didn't believe in. Of a little girl that was put into an orphanage and left to die. And if I throw away my emotions it becomes impossible to remember the pain of loosing my family. And without that memory of loss, I become a heartless monster that kills because I can."

" Now I can say that I'm sorry. That I understand loss and can say that their family will move on. But if I just give up like you want I can't say anything other than, ' you're dead.' and that's not okay. I suffer so the souls I reap don't have to. That is what makes me Death. Not the ability to reap souls."

Life puts his head down. My words seem to have put his argument on hold. He looks back up and stares into my eyes.

" Okay Grim. You win. I can't force you to do anything. But please don't forget that I tried. Because no matter how much you want to suffer or how much you want to be human, it will still find a way to kill you." He say and snaps his fingers.

I'm back on the street where Mackenzie died. There's still a faint stain of blood and broken glass but she's gone. I turn around and walk to my apartment. I call my landlord and give him notice of my moving out. I start packing up my stuff. I'm going to be in Texas by the end of the month.

I call work and give them my two weeks notice. I get online and look at houses for sale. I stay up all night looking for a house and packing my stuff. I refuse to stay here any longer than I have to.