Civil

Beginning

March 2003
Another plate of food.

Another shove to get the smell away.

The smell. I could vomit at the thought of it.

If only there was something in my stomach to vomit.

I had to chuckle at my own humor. It wasn't funny, really, but I couldn't help myself. If you can't laugh at yourself, your demons will come on stronger. Why not keep them away a little bit longer?

A kiss on my cheek.

"Eat your food," my fiancé, Cole, said. He eyed my plate, already knowing what would come out of my mouth next.

"Sure, I'll get to it," I shrugged.

Cole was the one good thing in my life; the one thing I could always count on.

High school was my personal hell. Genuine hell-on-earth. The girls never wanted to be my friend, and instead chose to torture me every day. Bumping into me, giggling after making eye contact, spreading rumors. I spent most nights alone, watching social media blow up with parties that I was never invited to. But Cole ..he was there. He even fought the boyfriends, teaching them to keep their women in check before touching his again. I could never thank him enough.

But I guess I deserved it. I took him. Long story short: freshman year. My "best friend" & Cole dated, I took him once she was done. She turned on me & that was the beginning of the end. I deserved it. But I also wouldn't change anything.

Fingers snap in front of my face.

"Stop daydreaming and eat your food." The pupusas were getting cold. Having a Latin fiancé mixed with my Italian family meant lots of food. Food that I wouldn't eat.

"I have to get to class. I'll take it with me," I said as I stood up, kissed his cheek, & grabbed the plate.

He knew the truth all too well.

"You better."

                                              ***

We lived in my parents house. Still in college with no money.

How pathetic.

A forty-five minute drive to my college where I was planning on getting my associates degree; forty-five minutes of thinking time before I had a distraction.

I don't want to consume my mind with this sickness. I'm so tired of it. Exhausted, really. I could turn the wheel slightly, make it look like an accident...

No. Not today. I'm going to make it through today into tomorrow. I'll see Cole again.

I'll turn on the radio. I'll listen to those voices. The voices that discuss what television shows are cancelled, who hooked up with who, who is pregnant...

Ahh there we go. Pregnancy. My passion.

***

I got to class early enough. About four students were already in their seats, which made me happy. That meant less pairs of eyes would stare at me as I walked to my seat.

One pair of eyes met mine. But just briefly. I don't know how I caught the eyes, they moved so fast. I paid no attention to it. I didn't care.

Fifteen minutes before class starts.

I can do this.

***

The car ride home is worse. I end class at 5:30p.m. every day, which meant I was hitting rush-hour here on Long Island, New York. I'm not in the city, but I merge onto the parkway that brings commuters home from the city. This turns my forty-five minute drive into an hour and a half drive.

Great.

                                             ***

By the time I get home, it's starting to get dark out. Twilight, the prettiest part of the day. The sky is pink and purple today; my personal favorite. I smile.

The lights to the house are on for me, welcoming me home. My heart races knowing that I'll see Cole right as I step through the door.

I turn the key in the lock & the smell of familiarity overwhelms me. I'm home.

"In the kitchen!" He hollers.

As I walk into the room, I smell broccoli. My stomach heaves & I cover my mouth.

Breathe, Zoe. Breathe.

"I thought I would make your favorite: chicken marsala with vegetables." Broccoli was boiling in the pot. Cole was marinating the chicken in the sauce mixed with mushrooms.

"Thank you for trying. I don't tell you that enough."
I wanted to crawl into a corner & die.

I sat at the table, watching him. He loved me so much & I him. I just wish I could love myself & give him the healthiest version of me. He deserved that.

The food was placed in a normal proportion in front of me.

Dinner.

I hated this meal the most because there wasn't anywhere for me to go. Bed? It's only 8p.m. Shower? That can wait. I had to eat, which meant that there'd be a bathroom break shortly after. He knew this, but he still loved me.

                                             ***

Brushing my teeth was always a saving grace. It hid vomit breath so well.

Cole was waiting in bed for me, eyeing me up & down. I was wearing his favorite velvet shorts & bralette; anything to show him that I love him.

"You're so beautiful," he said, as I crawled in next to him. He held me for a bit, giving me kisses on my cheek.

The best part of my day.