Hello, spirit. Yes, I said spirit; you're dead. I've just reaped you, in fact. But, unfortunately, your eternal rest must be postponed until I finish up my rounds for tonight. Since we're tied to each other until I escort you to Empty Space, you'll have to come with me. It shouldn't take too long, now.
>some time later<
Oh, what's that, spirit? I'm being rude? Oh no, not at all. I'm not at liberty to be acquainted with those whom I have reaped. It's not a liberty I feel the need to have, either. Reap, escort, reap, escort, reap, escort. Oh, you find that cruel? It's not my problem at all, spirit. We all have a task at hand, and for better or worse, we must carry out that task. And all you skin-bags demonize me so much it's funny.
Let me correct specific things you humans have wrong. But quickly; my next stop is nearing. Firstly, I am not evil. It is my job to reap the souls of those who died and escort them to Empty Space, where their lives and selves will be judged before it is decided: who's the lucky skin-shit I get to take to Heaven, or the unfortunate sob-story I pull into Hell? Or maybe, a downtrodden tramp decided to pop too many a pill and wash it down with a couple swigs of alcohol so he can die a happy drunk. That, my fellow escort, is called a fired Hollywood writer. The suicide souls go to purgatory or get sent back as someone or something else so that they can die of natural causes instead of self-harm.
I don't see the point in it, frankly. What's the excuse you're saying these days? It's a distraction from the pain? Really? More pain is a distraction pain? You'd rather feel physical pain than emotional pain? *sigh* I'll never understand you meat suits.
Well, here's my stop. After two or three more I'll take you and the other souls to Empty Space and we shall never meet again lest I reap your reincarnation's soul. Alright, wait out here. And don't think you can leave; we're tied to each other, plus you'll become a literal wandering soul and you'll be stuck in Limbo forever. Not fun, I can tell you. I once had to chase a wandering soul into Limbo and got stuck there for a century. And while I was away, your pink, squishy species overpopulated the earth. And that is how the motley crew of 53,000 reached 7 million. Or was it billion?
Anyways, I'll be back in a bit.
>another some time later<
Well, I found a hanger. Poor dear; not even twelve years old. Mother was a violent drunk, father shot himself right in front of her. She was just swinging, back and forth, left and right. I'll have to leave the body for her hammered mother to chug a whole vineyard's worth over. Poor wretch, not even a note.
I'll write one for her.
"Dearest mum,
It's your fault I did this! You stupid drunken skank! All you did was sleep around with other men and beat me and tell me I wasn't supposed to happen! I don't think you know how the cycle works, mum. When two people do IT, it makes a baby. Of course, you probably didn't even finish junior high school, so whatever.
The Grim Reaper has me now. It doesn't even have a gender and I know it could make a better mother and woman than you ever did.
Love, Felicity."
What? You didn't like it? Well, that's rude! I thought it was rather impressive. Nevertheless, this is what shall greet red-faced Mathilde when she arrives home-if she arrives home, I mean.
Well, all that's left now is a cat that got run over. Here it is! And look, he's a skeleton just like me! Adorable, is it not? I'm going to drop the three of you off at Empty Space now. Once you're judged and it's decided where you'll spend the remainder of your afterlife, I'll return.
>after dropping Felicity, dead cat and reader off at Empty Space<
>after judgement<
Hello again, spirits! Judge, who goes where and why?
>judge is speaking<
Okay, okay, mm-hmm, yes. Felicity to purgatory, dead cat to Animal Heaven, and [reader name here] to Heaven. Oh, really? You're having a pity party, Felicity? You hung yourself. Of course you're going to purgatory! Need I explain the rules as I did to this spirit here? >rules are explained<
There we go. Now, leave me alone. I have other spirits to attend to. But before you three go, I have a favor to ask of each of you. Felicity, say hello to Robin Williams for me. Dead cat, get Harambe's autograph and give it to me when I visit Heaven again. [reader name here], kick Adam and Eve in their forbidden fruits, will you? They started the world's plagues. Thank you!
Goodbye until we meet again, which is a 50-50 probability but you get the idea.
Yours,
Death/The Grim Reaper/Angel of Death/etcetera
