Forever Ruined

Chapter Twelve

Clara hesitated and then thought there was no point in keeping it from him. "Clara," she sighed. It felt both terrifying and liberating to be announcing this to him.

Sturgis laughed. "Claremont. Clever."

"Benjamin?"

"My husband's name."

"You're married?" He sounded disappointed.

"Yes."

"Was he abusive?"

"What would make you ask such a thing?"

"First, if you were my wife, I can't imagine just letting you board a ship alone even if you killed someone. I would have gone with you to whatever country you chose to run away to. Second the way you call his name at night. You sound... in pain."

She was grateful he couldn't see her face. Her tears stung as the images from her dreams flashed before her eyes. One kind gesture on his part and she'd fall apart. Thankfully he made no offer. Instead, he waited patiently for an answer.

She took a deep breath, steadying her voice, not daring to use it until she knew it be firm. "He has never laid a hand on me in an abusive way. He loves me. Perhaps, too much."

Sturgis' eyebrows drew together. "I cannot see how that could be possible but it is your life you are running from."

"My dreams... he dies. Every time. Executed in front of me and it is my fault. I am powerless to make it stop. He is better off without me. I am a distraction that can be lethal to him."

"I know women tend to be over dramatic but I believe you. Or at least I believe that is what you believe."

"Why?" This answer seemed much more important than any of the others.

"Because you are willing to sacrifice everything, including your own life to save him. Cannot imagine anyone going through such lengths if there was not an honest intention behind their actions."

"Thank you," Clara said.

"What for?"

"Understanding."

Sturgis shrugged and grinned. "What are shipmates for?" He then became suddenly serious. "Clara, you saved me that night. It is a debt I can never repay. Your secret is safe with me. I will not betray you. You have my word, but I have to ask one more question?"

"Ask."

"Why did you risk your life for me? You do not even know me?"

She touched the side of his face with the back of her fingertips. He flinched from the touch only because he wasn't expecting it. She pulled her hand away placing it on her lap, once again feeling foolish for her actions.

"My whole life. I have wanted only one thing, a real family of my own. My husband and I had tried but I could never..." Clara could not finish the sentence. "I saw in you, the son I always prayed I would have. The son I always wanted."

"I am not that young," Sturgis said a little defensively.

"Then the son I would wished he would grow to be."

Sturgis was quiet for quite sometime and then it was evident by his features he had decided something. "I will protect you. The best I can considering..." He touched his eyes.

She pulled his hand from his face and held onto it firmly, "I have read what these doctors in India can do. I believe as Lord Fitton does that they can cure you, possibly completely. One day I may need your protection but until then let us just make a promise to look out for one another."

"Family?" Sturgis asked.

"Family," Clara answered.

Clara spent the rest of the day carrying out her duties. Thankfully they were much lighter due to most of the crew having gone ashore. She chose to stay aboard to keep an eye on Sturgis. Thankfully he was resting at the moment.

Lord Fitton chose to at least get a look at the local plants before they must shove off again. The ship felt eerily quiet and Clara felt a shiver go down her spine.

"Cold?"

She nearly jumped at the sound of Redgrave's voice behind her. She heard him chuckle in response.

"It only appears a ghost ship, Claremont. Surely, by now, you know there is no such thing."

Clara turned around to glare at him. Which only made him chuckle harder. It was sunset and she had come to the upper deck to watch. She thought she was alone.

Redgrave leaned on the rail next to her. "You have... surprised me, Claremont. On more than one occasion. You have a real fire in that belly of yours. I wanted to... apologize to you."

Clara looked confused and pointed to herself.

"Yes, you. You signed on as Lord Fitton's valet. With your abilities you could have gone far with him. I have no doubt if you proved yourself useful he would have kept you on after the voyage which I am certain you must have been hoping for. Especially considering..." Redgrave sighed, running his fingers through his wind whipped hair. "Now, I have agreed to let Sturgis take your place so you have no chance of...

Claremont reached out and touched his arm, causing his words to die in his throat.

Clara shook her head, no. She was so grateful he made this choice. The last thing she wanted him to do was regret it but couldn't express it. Redgrave looked lost for a second as he looked into her eyes and then looked down at her hand resting on his shirt. She pulled her hand away. Mentally admonishing her mannerism. She keeps reacting on instinct and she really must take more care. They continued to stand side-by-side at the rail as the sun set.

After a few moments Redgrave excused himself and went below deck. He had said his piece now it was back to the plan of ignoring Claremont's existence. Perhaps, if Claremont continues to do well he could find him a post on another ship. It would be for the best.

Clara finished up her nightly duties and collapsed into bed. For the first time in a long time she did not fall into a fitful sleep. Instead she felt calm and at peace with the ocean's gentle rock of the ship. Her mind and body lulled by the motion.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Then she'd seen him. Benjamin. But not as he was when she left but as he was when she first met him. It was the fateful dinner party where everything changed. She remembered seeing him come into the room.

Time seemed to have stopped and all other faces disappeared from view. She found him attractive before but he looked exquisite now. He was dressed to perfection. It was not that surprising however when she had seen him enter with Mr. Beau Brummell, the man who sets the pace for London fashion for men.

She could not imagine what could pull such characters together as Beau and Benjamin. They seemed so opposite but as they talked together, her heart caught in her throat as she watched Benjamin laugh at something Beau had said.

It completely transformed his face. He looked years younger. Almost... carefree. He was... breathtaking. Then he caught her eye and she could feel the heat flush her body. She could not believe she was caught staring at him so openly, but his smile just grew wider and for a moment she thought she would swoon.

She took out her fan and waved it furiously in front of her face. Trying desperately to cool her cheeks. It also gave her the advantage to keep observing him. He whispered something to Mr. Brummell, who nudged him and then he started walking in her direction.

She could not believe in few seconds she would get to speak with him again. She has thought of little else but him since that night. She resigned herself to her lot. Her understanding was that it was a once in a lifetime engagement. Yet, here he is.

She had seen his expression change and for good reason. Mr. Banks had cut him off at the pass. "My dear sweet Lady Bentley. How are you this evening?"

She looked past Banks' shoulder just in time to see Benjamin walking away.