A Ballad for Maryam

Gifts

"Mary?"

And she's here in my room?

"Mary!"

"Hey. I didn't hear you get home!"

"What are you doing sitting in the closet?" She's in a Georgetown sweatshirt and mom jeans, and still she's gorgeous. Skin the color of coffee with too much milk, shiny long black hair, those huge bright eyes.

"I have the keyboard set up in there," I confess, grinning shamefacedly.

"Seriously? Why not in your actual bedroom?"

I shrug. "The closet is nice."

"And very emo. I applaud you for reaching new heights of emo-ness." She grins at me to let me know she's joking.

"I didn't hear you get in," I repeat. I'm always running out of things to talk about. It's not just a problem with my sisters and my parents...I'm bad at talking to anyone. I'm better at coaxing music from my fingers.

"Yeah, well you're kinda spacey like that. Plus Mummy asked me to come and talk to you."

I groan. "About what? I didn't even do anything wrong!"

Ellie flops back onto my bed like she owns the place. She's always been able to just be at home no matter where she is. I'm always trying not to flee back to my closet, trying to take up as little space as possible. I'm a little jealous of her for how comfortable she always seems.

"Mummy says you've been very moody lately, and that it must be because you miss your elder sisters. She also says you must be very upset with what happened with Lydia, and she's worried that you haven't talked about it at all."

"I'm not upset about Lydia," I snap. I don't sound very convincing. Ellie laughs.

"Sure you're not. It's okay, you know. To be upset about it."

"I'm not going to just sit here and slut shame my baby sister." Suddenly I want her to leave. I can't believe I waited all day for her to come home, just for this.

She sits up, and her grin is gone now. "What? Who said anything about slut shaming her? I'd cut anyone who did."

"You can start with Mummy then."

Ellie rolls her eyes. "Mummy's different. You know how big of a shock this was for her. But she's actually getting better about it. She actually talked to Lydia about it, you know. Lydia told me. They've been working things out."

I hate that I'm always the last to know things in my family. I was the last to know about Jane and Ben, her husband, and I was the last to know that Ellie was going away to Georgetown, and I was the last to know about Lydia's pregnancy. And now I'm the last to know that Mummy has apparently forgiven her.

Ellie's looking at me, still frowning, looking worried. She looks freakishly like Mummy with that expression. "I'm talking about what that asshole did to our baby sister. I feel like the rest of us have talked it out, to other people or to each other. We're all still angry, but we're getting over it. But you haven't said a word about it, not even to Lydia."

I gape at her. She's right, of course. Of course I'm angry. And of course I haven't talked to anyone, because my default setting to dealing with my whole life is to shut the fuck up. "I didn't...I didn't know she wanted to talk to me about it." My voice sounds hoarse, and there's a hideous lump in my throat.

"Of course she wants to talk to you! She wants to talk to everyone about it, because she's Lydia. But more importantly, she needs to know that you're on her side. You're her big sister too, you know."

I sit down on my desk chair with a whump. My legs feel wooden. "I'm horrible. I'm so sorry. I'll go talk to her. I'd do anything for her."

"Hey, she knows that. We all do."

I look up at her, and she's blurry behind the tears in my eyes.

"And I'm worried about you too. You need to talk about what happened, about how you feel. You've always been so private with everything, and I know our family isn't exactly always supportive of you needing to do that. But this is a big deal. I want you to know that you can talk to us about it. Any of us."

I'm a mess now. The sobs shudder in my chest and my throat is painful, and my face is covered in tears and snot.

"Hey, come here," says Ellie, but she comes to me instead. She wraps her arms around me and I sob into her shoulder.

***

They're all waiting for us in the kitchen. Kitty and Lydia literally shriek with joy at seeing Ellie, and Mummy and Papa are smiling at the scene. It's a sweet family picture. I wish I was in it. I stump down after Ellie and sit at the island next to Papa, trying not to look like I'd been sobbing a few minutes ago.

"Molu?" says Mummy tentatively. She's looking at me with the exact same expression that Ellie was giving me earlier, and I have to smile.

"Hi Mummy."

"Everything okay?"

She looks so earnest that my heart breaks a little again. I've been so stupid, caught up in my own world upstairs, thinking that my own mother didn't care about me.

"Everything's okay," I say, but I know that my smile is tremulous, because she leans in and kisses my forehead before heading off to break up a rising argument between Kitty and Lydia, who are bickering about how many tuna cutlets they each deserve.

Dinner is nice. There's a Janie-shaped hole in the festivities, and Kitty is extra-loud to try to cover it, and Papa looks exhausted about five minutes into the whole affair. Ellie distracts all of us with stories from college, and no one even bats an eye when Lydia has to run off to go throw up in the middle, and Kitty follows her out to hold back her hair, still chattering as though everything is normal.

Everything seems almost normal. It's like my family has been mending, slowly but surely, from the disaster, and I had completely missed it. The lump in my throat rises dangerously again, and I have to glare at my rice and morucurry until my vision stops blurring.

"So Mary," said Ellie, and my attention snaps to her. Everyone's looking at me. Everyone's beaming. My first instinct is to run from whatever nefarious plot they've concocted, but I fight it. I need to have more faith in my family, right? So here goes.

"Yes?" I can't quite keep the nervous suspicion out of my voice.

"You know how you're super into that piano of yours?"

"...yes?"

"Well I happen to have made a friend who is breaking into the music scene in a big way, and needs an accompanist for the summer."

"Say what?"

Lydia literally giggles and claps her hands.

"It's a paying position, and it's in DC. Are you interested?"

"Are you kidding? Yes!"

The whole table bursts into a happy explosion. I can't believe it. I'm going to DC for the summer with my sister. I'm going to be paid to play piano. How could I ever have thought that my family didn't see me?

It's not until after dishes have been cleared and we're wandering back upstairs that I remember what Ellie actually said. "Ellie," I say tentatively. "What did you mean, your friend is entering the music scene in a big way? What kind of music is it? Who's your friend?"

Ellie grins.