Pretty Much -_- ❤❄

Rant

to be honest this rant is long overdue. There are just so many things going on and I seriously don't understand. Okay. I am literally not lying when I say I used to hold no hate for anyone. I still don't . Well sort of. But there are like two people that literally bug the shit out of me and they are both ex's. What is funny is the one that messed me up bad and just about for ever (not kidding or being a pity seeker) but she isn't as bad as the ex that comforted me after her. Let me tell you I am not saying this to be rude honestly but there has to be something wrong with you if you think that after you point me out to literally probably 1k people (since shes in a group chat thingy) and you know point out the troubles I caused in our relationship and then send them to cyber bully, that im gonna welcome your ass back with open arms. No like no fucking no. She literally went out and told my secrets to everyone while I sat here with my mouth shut. Now look yes I know very fucking well im good for no one and im toxic and all that jazz but come on. This is why I have trust issues I gave her all of me. I gave up my first love for her. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing at all. I literally  told her that I was dangerous and im gonna cause trouble it best if she finds someone else but nope she just kept on getting close to me and boom. Where theres smoke theres fire. Its kinda like that statement from that song by Bebe Rexha

"You say you want a bad bitch, baby, now you have it

Now you got a bad bitch, show me you can handle this"

But sure enough she failed. Its also like that song Attention. she went out throwing dirt on my name now a random 1k got the idea that I am a terrible person. I think I hate her im just not sure tho. I just about unphased to be honest it just sort of hurts that's all. She said she'd always be there for me. That she'd never be like the ex before. And what do you know. She may just be worse. I guess I feel what boys might feel when there ex did something like this. Lke celebs. They do this all the time. She took all my fears and secrets and my scariest nightmares and told everyone. But I guess I'd be the bad guy if I told the world that she fingered herself (but to all you people out there who do it like im not saying you are gross or should be ashamed no im just stating that that isn't something she'd want me to spill that's all :]). Yeah that would be terrible of me. I wont stoop to her level. I wont be what she says I am. I know what I am but im not what she or her friends said. Im not gonna let them tear me apart. This is why I have such a close connection to I Have Questions. I know I wasn't good to her. I know I didn't play my cards right but if I could go back I would change everything. For my sake and for yours tho I despise you. I wasn't lying when I said it was an accident. You do dumb shit when you don't know what to do. Then you look back and think of what you could've done better. I can acknowledge what I did was stupid and wrong. That's the first step in changing. I realized that im selfish tho practically all this time ive been saying im not. But turns out I am. That's life I guess. You live and you learn. It seems as though though even having enough regret and sadness is your heart isn't enough. And my stupid anxious self tried to express it but there were no words. I fell for it and was an ecstatic puppy when she interrupted our talk about cheese to say she forgave me and that she understood. But it was a lie anyway. But who cares that's all in the past right? I have a play coming up and im playing the biggest parts and im nervous. I need to figure out what to do tho cause im losing my voice and I cant miss this opportunity. Not even for a cheese burger. Speaking of.

I mean like I will write about my other rant another time or in a different chapter. I like keeping tabs on myself like "Hmm what was I doing Tuesday April 15" that's just a random date I know what I was doing that day lol XD. oooooh vote if you think im a pity seeker based upon all the stuff I put in this book (aside from that chapter for dive by ed sheeran I didn't write that and you have no proof :\) *immediately votes instead*


Bye thoooooo

oof 866 words huh