Mary Sue Check & Kill [DISCONNTINUED]

Bradley Andrew McLaughlin

Likes: Anything relating to the Army.

JROTC (if you don't know what that is, it stands for Junior Reserve Officer's Training Corps. It's a high school army program. Most of his friends are in it.)

Raiders (JROTC competitive team. Very physical stuff.)

Fire, he's something of a pyromaniac.

Video games, especially first-person shooters and Dark Souls. Reading.

Music, he really likes dubstep particularly Breathe Carolina but he'll listen to almost anything.

He loves dogs and horses.

Anime and manga, yeah he's a geek, sue me.

He has a particular liking for one of his friends.

Dislikes: Spiders, it's a childhood fear.

Cabbage, he hates cabbage with a passion.

Math, he sucks at math and has no desire to improve.

Having nothing to do.

Being alone.

Close friends: (His close friends are some of my friends' OCs. We all co-write) Beth Miller, April Coupland, Keenan McDaniel, Connor Brooks

Enemies: (More OCs) Kate Hill, Andy West, Daniel Harold, Moira Herring. Alex Morgan (stalker girl)

Other: His friends tease him and call him Mr. Vampire or Beth calls him Blood Boy because his eyeteeth are naturally very pointy.

He has pretty deep dimples.

He has a German Shepard named Riley and tabby cat named Fatso.

Backstory: (told by Bradley) I was born and raised in Killeen, a small, quiet town just outside of Fort Hood. Now, in Killeen nothing interesting happens. Unless you're me. My life is always one show after another. Me and my friends, we have a running joke that our lives are soap operas and it's kinda true. The worst thing that's ever happened was when I still lived in Texas, I was legitimately stalked by a girl...that was truly scary. Oh yeah, I moved to Tennessee over my freshman summer, from there my life was a series of ups and downs. I made lots of friends but there was always our soap opera ridiculousness. Like when me, Keenan and April almost got seriously busted for sneaking around a college campus. That's just one of many examples but yeah. Oh, before I forget, I have to tell you about...her. The "her" in question is Beth Christine Miller. I've never met someone like her, she's just, special. Everyone in our general friend group, and some outside of it, have said she has a crush on me. I don't know if I believe that but she means a lot to me. And, don't tell Keenan, but I do sort of have feelings for her. But if you tell Keenan I will hunt you down. If he finds out I'll never hear the end of it! And if he finds out, sooner or later she will too.

Theme song: The Reckless and the Brave by All Time Low

Crush: Beth Christine Miller

Best friend(s): Keenan McDaniel

My Opinion:

This is a very good OC, though I do think some things are a little strange. For instance, the backstory. It's supposed to be told by the author/creator, not the OC. And it was made so that he's talking about things that are happening in the story. A backstory is supposed to be talking about stuff up until the story. Not before it.

For the things he likes and dislikes, will any of this stuff actually be used in the story? Or is it just put there to make him seem more relatable? Even if it's going to be a brief mention of somethings, make sure you put it on there. Also, most of the dislikes are classic things like math and being alone. Most of the most memorable people in anything is of irrational fears or dislikes. Having someone who just dislikes spiders and being alone is pretty basic. How about something that might hinder him if he's going to become an army military police such as not liking when people touch him or not liking being in very large crowds?

Also, remember to have a very similar amount of likes and dislikes if you're going to put that in a bio. It could look very fishy if someone has 14 things that they like but only has 8 dislikes.

For his personality, if you're going to make it mostly about how his flaws are and how he's like with his group of friends, how are people going to know how he's like in general with people? Sure, he may tease a lot but is he kind towards strangers and acquaintances? Or is he rude or mean towards them? You have to think about these things when you're making a personality bio on someone because sooner or later he will have to come across a stranger or a friend of a friend. And what about family? Does he act the same way with them as he does with his friends? Or does he act in an entirely different way with them then he never does with anybody else?

Last thing, how is a theme song going to be helpful to him or anyone in any way, shape, or form? Last time I checked, I didn't see any theme song for anybody in a book.

Oh, before I forget, the weight that males his age for his height is actually underweight. Might want to check google before putting a number for someone's weight. They might be underweight or overweight without you even realizing.

How you can improve:

Maybe make the bio a little less vague of this is showing him before or after the story and make the dislikes more relatable instead of the classic "angsty teen", "afraid of spiders", or "hate this food". And make his personality more like how he is in general and less of how he is like with his friends. Also, please put a bigger number for his weight. Unless he is supposed to be underweight. Though if he is, he wouldn't have that much muscle.