Good GOD? Bad GOD.. OH JUST GOD

A note, a message, just something tragical.

   Oh, what's the day today i wonder? Let me check my phone.. ugh it's the 2nd of January, Tuesday.. i mean i don't hate certain days, a matter of fact i hate existence it self. A new year people in the streets are celebrating, i don't understand how are they celebrating a new year, maybe because they are one year closer to their death.. it's something worth celebrating honestly. Today i am going to commit suicide, yes, indeed  i am just about to kill myself. I am writing how did my life had been so far. It's true i hate life and i wonder what is life itself anymore. *laughs* so do you remember these movies of Hollywood about when someone is just about to be executed they ask him about his last wishes, and so he eats and probably asks for sex or any materliastic fun thing in life?! Oh well, no wonders why they call it a movie and are called actors. Real life is a total different deal. I mean this life is just not worth it, even what's called as the most important goal of life itself "surviving" lost its meaning. Yes, indeed, i am drinking my last cup of coffee but that doesn't mean i am going to miss it, a matter of fact i am trying to concentrate on writing how was my life had been, and what i have come to believe. Oh well from where to start, i wonder.. i guess now i know, lets take you all on a ride, and i won't mention dates.. later on i'll explain why. I was born on the sound of bombs, yes a goddamn bloody revolution. It's weird how i can remember the sounds of it, but i believe it was for a reason, and if you haven't realized it by now, you will later on. I remember everyday of my life, since i was a small kid till this specific moment, i hate my memory, yet i kinda cherish it, it's like a fuel, it holds a lot of reasons why would a person like me commit suicide. You know sometimes i feel like i am going to forget how to walk, am trying to hold on to life that i forget almost everything else, or maybe my memory is full, so whenever i memorize anything new, i lose something old that i believe is not important. Life for me wasn't more than a chess game, that i understood and realized how ugly it really is that i want to kill myself and die, it got boring you know. Starting my life on the sound of bombs and crying in the doctors hands, a week later the doctor gets killed by the interference of a certain nation's army, not to mention, they shot the doctor as they didn't understand a word he says, he couldn't speak english and so they shot him. Entered the room, i was in my mother's hands, they took me away, i remember the door being closed and my mom was screaming i still hear her screaming. My dad held a knife and thought of defending his honor or so that's what he called, and so he got killed and my mom as i realized later was raped and killed. At that very moment i was just a week old yet can remember everything, weird isn't it?!. Later on i was taken by the army and put in a war shelter hosted by the army's country, they raised me as a fighter, and at the age of 12 learned how to kill, i was just a killing machine, i never knew what's peace, i never experienced it throughout my whole life. At the age of 14 the campaign i was in got attacked by a bunch of terrorists and the army threw me a machine gun, and sent me in a mission to kill the terrorists along with 12 other kids, one of them was my best friend, he was standing right beside me, he got shot in the head as i was next to be shot i jumped behind him as another 3 bullets were shot through his body and i used him as a cover, in war you have to survive there is nothing wrong and right, there are no manners in war. I then moved out and shot the sniper as it was my first kill and the first time to kill someone in my life, it felt great you know. After we killed 30 terrorists, and after defending the base by a team of 12 kids, only 2 remained. Me and Him, not to mention names, he was as good as i was, we grew stronger and became friends after i have lost the meaning of friends since that old friend of mine got shot, he was a good guy you know, but probably life takes the good people away that's what my friend told me. After of course proving our superiority in that mission we were sent to more missions, we were as they called us hurray for the elite soldiers. But i knew all along this was pointless.. they called us heroes for saving them.. i mean we aren't heroes after all, i believe there is no thing as hero in war, many might disagree but i am not to write a philosophical theory in my suicide note, anyway back to the story. Age of 15 till 19 we were sent to different missions, killing for me was as easy as eating, and shitting i was alive to kill. My best friend one day, came to my room and told me "hey, another army is offering us a bigger amount of money to join them, we can be millionaires." I stood there for a few moments shocked, and thought about the millionaire thing i mean i lost my family, feelings, normal life.. and now i can make a family by money.. right?! No i believe not, call me an idiot but i refused the offer, i didn't know why or how my life could have changed but maybe cause realistically i know from deep inside that people like us will always be used as warriors, and their money shall burn with them as ancient romans, we can't enjoy it. He went to the other organization offering him as he told me "money and women" at the age of 20 i was deployed to a mission and as usual i shall fight terrorists and even though i haven't heard from that friend of mine since he escaped i saw him on that day, he turned to a jihadi, even though they offer them money and women as they slave others but he is also offered an after life heaven, and i remember that day he was so good as he was killing all our reinforcements, and as a friend of him i know how he thinks i was able to stealthily capture him, he didn't greet me he was more angry he called me an unbeliever, "what happened to you man, you were running after money now you believe you're a true fighter for god lol, what a god of yours that is." I killed him and said "hope you find your heaven" and i laughed. I guess that now am 22 after killing more than 1000 soldiers myself, along with my feelings and things i never experienced before. Now i guess it's time to die, and just when am about to kill myself, they offered me freedom but i never had it, they told me just survive 10 more years on the battlefield, as if they did it themselves, they were trying to enslave me in a smarter way, that's what they thought at least.. surviving for me became a routine and so were days, nights and hours. i guess you realized by now that life is not fair, there is no good parts in life, no light at the end of the tunnel, no rainbows after the rain, life is cruel, so cruel and so i am not a believer that god exists, but if he is out there, i hate him, and you need to admit it, he is a really, really bad god. And so he shot himself with a gun and died on his suicidal note.. GOD is the perfection of good and bad as in another place, another time someone is having a really happy life.. and such a true worshiper for god.. if god loves us why would he make us suffer.. even if god is a perfection that he holds both good and bad.. why is he not making our lives balanced with both, why many experience mostly good, and others mostly bad.. what are you for real.. what are you.. oh just god.
Zee
28/5/2017