nothing ; ksimon

nothing into something

"you're afraid." josh whispers, his tone understanding. "but of what?"

simon contemplates making a run for the front door, his hand itches to open the door to his room. just something to avoid this conversation. but his mind keeps him planted in the spot, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"what really happened with jj?" the older boy is now making his way across the room and standing right in front of the helpless boy.

"i pulled away from him." his answer is brief, it doesn't clarify anything. yet it seems as if josh has found out everything there is from the look on his face.

"are you afraid that no one will accept you because-"

"no i-" he gulps, feeling a lump in his throat. "i don't know, jus-just, so much is happening and i'm just so overwhelmed and i-" he doesn't know when he has started crying but for some reason he feels tears slip down his pale cheeks and he sighs in frustration. he doesn't want to feel this.

"hey, it's okay." josh's tone is soft now, his hands reaching forward to carress the crying boy's shoulders. simon thinks that josh would be a great father, so caring and so kind.

"i'm sorry."

"what for? simon you have every right to feel the way you feel. you're scared and that's fine." the green eyed boy reassures.

"but i feel like i messed everything up with jj and now he hates me-" a sob wracks through and he clenches his eyes shut. god did he hate himself for crying so easily.

"do you like jj? in a non-platonic way?" the question is sudden and it makes the teary eyed boy open his eyes and look at anything other than the latter's questioning eyes.

the truth was simon didn't know what "liking" someone was like. sure he had hooked up with girls, he had even gone on dates as well. however none of them had made his heart drum like jj did. once a girl had made his stomach feel funny, but simon had paid no mind to it as he slid between her legs later that night. 

but maybe the staggering of his heartbeat and hitching of his breath meant that he does like the dark skinned boy in a romantic way. just maybe when he felt a flower blooming in his chest while jj leaned foward to almost kiss him meant he likes him. maybe.

"hey si, it's okay." the older boy speaks up after he notices the silence from the other side.

"yes."

"yes?"

"i-i like him. i-" simon is a stuttering mess, his mind scattered everywhere as he furiously wipes his eyes. "i just threw him away, oh my god."

josh watches with confusion as he notices the sudden change in mood, the taller boy has this look of realization and he seems to be thinking about something, now pacing.

"i can't throw this away, i don't want jj out of my life." he voices his thoughts.

"okay, are you-"

"i can't believe i was so dumb." he mutters. "i mean me feeling jealous of him talking to a pretty girl? isn't normal friend behaviour, right? and that one time i thought he was a cinammon roll and that one time he cheered me up and fuck-"