Bits And Pieces

The truth the world hides

Do you ever feel like you arent really there? Like you exist but if you were to leave no one would notice?
Who dosent feel like this honestly. The emptiness that i feel some days, theres no reason for it to be there but it is. People become closer with your friends. You can see ties withering away. Relationships you used to have. You used to be best friends but now you strangers. But maybe its because you distance yourself. You love the closeness of a book or phone. When no one speaks to you, you open your phone. You check your instagram, facebook, social media feed. You wait for a like, a comment a text message but it never comes, always waiting. But nothing ever comes because you just wait. You hope it can be enough but its not. And no one ever notices unless you tell someone. Maybe no one really likes you, maybe.... they secretly all hate you. No dont think like that Bailey you know they love you. But do they really?.....
You always have to make the effort. No one ever makes the effort for you. They ask if your ok but you say your fine. Because you want to see if they actually care enough to relize that your not. Maybe this feeling will pass like all the others. Just like everyone else. People come and go they only stay if they have to, if they need to.
Your willing to wait to stay to be there for them. But who is there for you? Even when your laughing with your friends. You think you'll become better but you dont you just become better at hiding it. You become better at living with it. Because does it ever really go away? But what if this feeling is happening to other people? Whatever it is im feeling. Can any one relate to me, can anyone understand? The thing that parents, teachers councerlors say when you ask them. What should be my priority in life right now? They always say school. they never say your mental health. Or just your health. Because going to school is more important than getting over a mental illness or illness. The world and people know that we feel these things. But adults push them aside and they say " in my day i was able to do this." Or "in my day i was able to pay for this by myself." Or "your to young to understand." "Your to young to have real problems."
Maybe the reason why i feel this way is a little bit of everything. Myself. My teachers. My parents. The fact that i may not be good enough. Or never will be good enough. The fact that i keep pushing myself down, doubting myself. I hate it. I hate that i do that. But i continue to do it because thats who i am. It can never really go away on its own. But maybe i dont want it to go away. But im also tired tired of it all. Tired of all the waiting. Tired of all the trying. Tired of being the one who somehow always finds herself feeling this way.