The Man in Strings

XIV. Rejections

Point is, when nothing of those petty and trivial reasons work... this must be something serious.

Agad ko syang kinawayan pagkalabas pero parang hindi nya ako nakita. I even have to shout her name loud para makita nya ako. When she saw me, she tried to smile, pero hanggang du'n lang.

"Nagugutom ka?" Alala kong tanong. I know Maine's too transparent sometimes pero hindi kasi ako sanay na ganito sya. Ngayon ko lang sya nakitang ganito. "Tara, kain tayo -"

"Uwi na tayo, Rj," she said, her shoulders dropped, and just walked ahead of me.

Hinatak ko sya sa braso. "That's not where the parking lot is, Maine," I smiled at her, and she seemed so out of it she didn't even reply. "Tara."

Kinuha ko iyong kamay nya at hinawakan 'yon. Maybe now is not the right time to talk about it.

I've said this all the time: Maine should just talk all the day and I'd listen. Kahit ano pa 'yan. But tonight, she's not even talking and it kills me just to think. Parang ang sarap manugod ng editor.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked her cautiously as we got out of the car, but she just smiled, shook her head at me, and walked ahead. Grabe talaga. Hindi ako sanay na ganito sya.

I was so bothered because Maine wasn't like this. Or I wasn't there to witness this side of her. Ganito rin ba itsura nya everytime na na-reject sya dati? Anong ginawa ni Jake? Anong dapat kong gawin? I feel so lost. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Ayoko naman na wala akong ginagawa.

Kumatok ako sa kwarto nya ng mga bandang 10PM. Hindi sya sumagot, and I held the knob. Hindi naman sarado, so I poked my head in and asked if I could go in. She didn't answer; she was just sitting in the middle of the bed, hugging her favorite minion close to her chest, almost pouting. Grabe lang. I felt rage inside of me; here I was, trying to make her laugh with all my might tapos gaganituhin lang sya?

I sat at the edge of the bed. "Nicomaine..." Tumingin sya sa akin at ngumiti pero hindi nagsalita. "Hindi ka pa kumakain ng hapunan."

"Okay lang. Hindi naman ako nagugutom."

We stayed still in this... silence. Kinuha ko 'yung kamay nya at pinisil 'yon. Ngumiti lang ulit sya at tumulala. I was so used to my Nicomaine smiling I didn't know how to deal with her when she's being like this. I wanted to tell her and hug her to tell her that it's going to be okay, but I knew it wouldn't be enough when she's this shattered. Alam mo 'yun? She had always been positive and bright kaya hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Shame on my part.

"Alam mo 'yun," she started talking in a low voice. "Ang hirap talaga maging trabaho ng pagiging writer."

"Bakit naman?" Kumunot 'yung noo ko. "Eh you get to do what you love."

"Oo nga, pero mahirap 'yung ganito, ang laki ng emotional investment," she laughed bitterly, and my eyes almost jumped from their sockets. That laugh was so sad it didn't even sound like it came from the Nicomaine I knew at all. "I mean like, nilagay ko du'n halos lahat. There's a huge part of myself in between my letters. Ang dami-dami. Halos nakalagay du'n ang buong buong Nicomaine Dei Mendoza tapos ang sakit lang kapag na-reject nila kasi it looked like they're rejecting... me."

Naiiyak na sya, at nanginginig na 'yung kamay nya na hawak ko. Agad akong lumapit at niyakap sya.

"Sshh," I rubbed her back. "Everything's gonna be okay."

"Alam mo 'yun... ang sakit-sakit lang," pati boses nya, nangangatal na. "Ganito rin ako nu'ng una pero sabi ko kakayanin ko kasi gusto ko 'to. Kasi mahal ko 'tong ginagawa ko. Kasi gusto kong magkaroon ng mas maraming audience hindi dahil gusto kong sumikat at makilala but I just wanted the world to know..."