The Man in Strings

:lost in time:

"No."

"What, then?"

"An excuse," Prof's voice lingered. "For me not to love her instead."

Some deep shit you've got over there, Prof and Student. I exhaled. Bakit nga ba ako nangingialam sa buhay ng ibang tao - 

- shit.

I tried so hard to hide my face. I've never been so thankful for all the blinding lights and strangers around me until at this moment. She's been calling me for weeks now and I didn't even know how she got my number. Nakakaloka. I've been trying to avoid her and her people pero hindi ko magawa. Should I get a restraining order?

And the story continues. "What are you going to do now?" 

Prof shrugged. "I don't know."

"Maybe one of you has to leave."

"You think so?"

I wanted to nod and say yes dahil dakila akong sawsawera. But then again, I wanted to tell him that leaving is not always the remaining option. Kapag kaya pa.. "Yeah," Student nodded. "Maybe distance is the key?"

"Anong distance?" Suddenly, sumimangot si Prof. "Hindi mo ako naiintindihan. Pakiramdam ko nahihirapan akong huminga kapag hindi ko sya nakikita. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko kapag nakikita ko syang may kausap na iba - in the most natural way - and I can't do the same with her. You don't know what it feels like, kid. It's fucking hell not to be with her."

"What about Ma'am Mia?"

So Mia is like, what? The girlfriend? The fiancee? The wife? What? I didn't know. I got so busy hiding myself I lost details. "She's..."

"See. You can't answer. You have to let go of one. Ask Ma'am Mia na hiwalayan ka?"

"She'll never do that," Prof looked away. "I know her. She told me I can leave her anytime, but she'll never leave me herself."

"Martir."

Hay, nako. What are they? Amateurs? Being martyrs won't do them any good. I should know.

"So you should make your choice." Student stood up. "You choose between the moon and the sun. Tangina, ang poetic mo naman maging tanga. Kamusta 'yung sinusulat mo?"

Prof laughed. "Still about her."

"Pitiful."

"I know, I know," Prof smiled bitterly. "But what can I do? I can't love her freely... so I wrote her. I'd know I'd always write her - so she could always be with me wherever I go. At least.. in my letters... my moon won't leave."

Nagpaalam na si Student at umalis. Prof finished another beer and left. I was left alone here, now, pondering how the hell did I understand their conversation despite the loud music. Ganito na ba ako kachismosa?

Or I don't know; maybe people's stupidity just fascinated me a lot kaya ang invested ko kanina. I should know; I've been there.

Tinitigan ko itong inumin ko na hindi ko naman nagalaw. It should have been warmer by now, but I still drank it, anyway. My tummy felt warm, and I have to endure the short stinging sensation. I should go upstairs and tell my friend that I'm leaving, and that I can't be here any longer.

Habang tumatagal ako rito, parang ayoko na ulit umalis. It felt so right to be in here and I don't know what more stupid things I'd be doing now I knew that he can be only kilometers away from me and that he'd come running to me, based from what I've been hearing, the moment I ask him to.

I should have went up to cutesy Prof. I could have tapped his shoulders and told him it's easy to empty himself up. I mean like, lose everything.

I was about to take the stairs when a warm hand held me. I froze.

It was her.

"Maine."

I turned around and smiled. Ano pa bang gagawin ko? "Hey. What brings you here?"

"Your presence," she smiled back. "You're the reason why I'm here. Do you have time?"

"For what?"

She smiled. "For him?"

I didn't see anyone, but my own reflection, in Dorothy's beautiful irises, wanting to love again, wanting to risk everything I gained, and wanting to lose myself for the nth time... wanting to accept him and his flaws again and again.

I saw myself, seven years after, still in love with the same man. Now completely filled with the colors I lost, I saw my own face, like a blooming flower, yearning for his love, because after seven years of being apart, I knew that no one else came close. No one ever did.

If he was going to break me, and empty me, and shatter me, again - so be it.

"Yes," I nodded and smiled. "Yes, I have time for him."

//