I Tried My Best To Love You (Sequel To YAMFB)

Chapter 2: I Can't Wait Through Everything

When my mom returned from her honeymoon, I applied to a few colleges for social work and was accepted at one. It was about an hour and a half away, which meant I would have to live on campus. This fact didn't bother me so much at first but now that summer is coming to an end, everything has become so much more real. I still haven't told Gerard that I'm going to have to move but I've been slowly packing my things over the past few weeks and getting ready. I've been in contact with my roommate twice and he seems alright. We decided what each of us was going to bring to the dorm and established a few ground rules. I'm looking forward to everything but I'm afraid to leave everything I know behind at the same time. I've grown comfortable with my situation. Even Gerard's cold shoulder has left me a sense of comfort recently. I've handed in my two weeks notice at work and I have a campus map printed out and a schedule highlighted. I have a bubbling curiosity and nervousness in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it. I only wish Gerard and I were on different terms.

-

I return to the apartment after work and Gerard's asleep on the couch. A blanket is perched over the arm rest as though he threw it off himself when he realized how warm it was in here. There are 3 cups of coffee on the coffee table alongside a few newspapers. The sun is fading through the window and highlighting the black of Gerard's hair so it seems like a deep purple. I smile as I take in the calm image and head to my room. I glide my shirt over my head and throw it to the ground and kick off my jeans. I jump onto my bed and sigh with relief as I allow comfort to wash over me. There's a stirring from the living room followed by heavy footsteps as Gerard makes his way down the hallway to his own room where he collapses onto his bed. Before he has a chance to fall asleep again, I bounce out of bed and make my way to him.

"C-can I tell you something?" I stammer nervously. He groans then sits up in his bed to look at me.

"What is it?" he mumbles quietly, annoyed.

"I, uh, just wanted to let you know that I'll be moving out in two weeks for, um, college and well, I just wanted to let you know that because the room will be available again and, so.. Yeah," I ramble on.

"Oh, okay," he replies, waving me off. I take that as an invitation to leave and return to my room. I'm proud of myself for finally blurting it out but I'm also slightly worried he'll just think it was a dream, if he remembers the conversation at all. I don't know why I brought it up in that moment. Why had I?

I lay in bed completely still as I rerun the events of the day through my head, overanalyzing each sentence I said and action I made when I hear soft whimpers coming from somewhere near. When I focus on the sound, I realize that someone is sobbing. Gerard is crying. Is it because of what I said? Should I talk to him? He probably wants to be alone. I try to block out the noise and focus on other things but it becomes intolerable and I sit up. My bed creaks loudly and I hear a sharp inhale. All of a sudden, the crying stops and I hear Gerard sniffle. I decide that that was a hint that he didn't want me to hear him so I head to my dresser and grab my phone and headphones and turn on some music. I drift off to sleep a few hours later, drowning out any background noise with sound.

-

The next morning, I wake up to the sun protruding into my room and the smell of coffee wafting through the apartment. I had gotten used to these sensations. The routine smell of coffee and the pain of a bright sun. I wrestle with myself to get up but eventually pull myself to a seated position. I stumble first to the bathroom then to the kitchen as I sit and grab a cup of coffee. Gerard's hair is messier than usual and the bags under his eyes seem more prominent than usual and there's a tone of redness in his eyes seeming like he didn't sleep at all and just cried the whole night. My stomach turns as guilt takes the place of excitement.
"I'm sorry if I upset you," I blurt out as he walks around the kitchen. He turns instantly and looks at me like he's offended.
"You could've told me sooner, you know? I could've searched for a replacement. Now I'm probably going to be waiting a month or two to find somebody and I'll have to pay the full rent myself now!" he shouts at me. I'm taken aback by the aggression and tone in his voice.
"I'm sorry," I practically whisper. He turns his head and walks away. I hear his bedroom door slam and I glance into my coffee cup. When I'm done my drink, I rinse the mug and set it on the side of the sink. I begin to gather my things that are in the kitchen and living room and place them in one of the boxes I had in my room. When it's full, I label it 'kitchen/living room' and leave it by the dining table in the back corner. I head to the bathroom and grab everything but what I would need for the next two weeks and pile that box on top of the other. Gerard eventually leaves his room and migrates to the couch where he sits in an angered silence. I decided to go for a walk to clear the space and start to reminisce about the streets I'd walked and the places I'd been and just ultimately started thinking about what I was leaving behind. Gerard's attitude just solidified the idea that I needed a change. It wasn't a healthy space to be in and I think I've known that for awhile but had been denying it. It's going to be a good thing, I think.