By My Side

Desperation

A couple days later, I look at myself in the mirror. I'm breaking. I can see it in my eyes...

And hear it.

"Break him," Edgar demands, "I saw that tear in your eye last night. You're breaking. He's in our way. He's in YOUR way. Break him forever."

"Not yet," I reply, "I can't yet."

"Maybe I should explain this through song," Edgar chuckles, "let me tell you something...

What you desire is a sense of control.

To make choices, that should be your own.

I see the fire, it's deep in your eyes.

Deep in your eyes.

Let it consume you or you're gonna break.

You're gonna die.

Why don't you just give in?

Tell me, what is your real name?

Tell me, who you want to be.

You're going to have to choose. They are gonna break you.

You must,

You must choose."

"My name is Leo," I reply, "as it always has been."

"Fine," Edgar sighs, "your loss kid."

I head to school, and write a ton during my first few classes. In my second period, a girl I have a mild crush on (she knows, and guess what? She doesn't care. Big fucking surprise.), hits me in the eye with a rubber band. Any feelings I have for her fade, and are replaced by rage.

I reach for the rubber band, but miss.

"I'm so sorry," she apologizes, but I don't care. She hurt me. NOBODY hurts me.

"Give it to me," I growl, reaching for the rubber band.

She tries to stop me by playfully keeping the rubber band from me, but I'm not playing. She needs to learn some fucking respect. I manage to grab the rubber band and throw it to the ground.

"Look at me," I demand, "LOOK AT ME."

She obeys, and I can sense Edgar beaming with approval. I feel powerful, and I love it.

"I NEED THESE TO WRITE," I growl pointing at my eyes.

"That's what it felt like when the others hit me with theirs," she tries to justify her behavior.

I remind her, "I tried to STOP THEM. Hit them!"

She seems to get the message, but then says, "sounds like someone needs to relax."

Edgar and I agree on the reply, "or you need to learn some fucking respect."

Needless to say, I no longer have a crush on her. She hurt me. I get enough shit from Bitchy and Isaiah.

Later that day, I decide that this anorexia is an actual problem, and that I need help. I turn to a member of my family, Haley.

I cling to my grey jacket and sigh, "Haley, we need to talk."

"What is it?" She asks.

"Remember how I said a few months ago I think I may be anorexic?" I ask.

"A while ago," she replies, "yeah."

"I'm 99% sure I am, but I can't turn to my parents because of obvious reasons and anyone at school will go to my parents who will put me on a pill and we both know where that goes. What do I do?"

"Have you ever considered, just, finishing your education and leaving for college?"

"I'm NOT staying there another two years. I'll finish my education, but not there. One of the others reasons I'm getting a job is to secretly go to therapy."

"You do have sociopathic tendencies, you think you get that from your mom?"

Edgar makes his presence known again as I glare, "LOOK AT ME. Don't EVER compare me to that demon that walks this Earth. The fact she could be a mother makes me question God. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Good. Anyways..."

The subject strays away from my anorexia, but Haley promises to let me bum rides when I do go to therapy. However...

I still don't know what to do about my anorexia. I head home and write, until Isaiah gets onto me. I immediately feel burning rage.

His name, is not Isaiah. I have a much better name...

His name is Bastard.

Bastard is being a bastard as per usual. I tough it out, ignore Edgar, and just write more later, but...

Edgar is growing stronger as I continue to break...