I have nothing against Katrina, I think Sam and Kat make a cute couple, or whatever...
***warning***
mentions of self harm.
Don't read if you're easily triggered
Colby's POV
"I'm going out with Kat!" Sam told me, while he was already standing by the front door.
"alright" I said, but he was already out of the door.
I feel like I'm loosing Sam, and it hurts. I've loved him for so long, and then this girl walks into his live and I'm all forgotten.
He only wants to hang out with Kat, which I get because she's his girlfriend but does that mean he can just ignore me?
I need him, but it seems like he doesn't need me.
I grabbed the note I wrote earlier before walking towards the bathroom. I locked the door behind me, even though i was alone.
I grabbed my razor blade from where I hid it under the sink.
I was clean for almost 2 years, keyword was. lately i just felt the urge to start again, the voice in The back of my head telling me to do it... until I gave in.
I came out to my parents when I was in Kansas 2 months ago, but they didn't accept me. they said It was probably just a phase, and that I just had to get over it.
To say it hurt was a understatement, I decided to tell them it wasn't 'just a phase'.
I should've just kept my mouth shut, I should've known they would react like that. I guess I was stuck in my own little world, thinking they would accept me no matter what.. I mean I'm their son after all... I guess i realized all that too late, because by the time I realized my mistake, they had already kicked me out of the house.
before all of that happened I planned on telling Sam, but after the reaction from my parents I just couldn't bring myself to do it. On top of that, when I got home Sam was making out with some girl. If I hadn't been crying already, I would've burst out in tears right then and there.
After that day it felt like my world was slowly breaking, together pieces of myself. Then Sam started to act like I didn't exist.
I couldn't tell Sam Im gay, how could Sam accept me when my own parents, who raised me, created me, who should've been the only people in my life who would loved me and accepted me for who I am... disowned me.
I got too scared to tell him, scared that he's gonna hate me too. I cant let that happen he's the only thing I have left... or rather had left, its like he knows I'm here but just doesn't care anymore.
That's not even the only thing that's bothering me. Lately I've been getting a lot of hate on my social media. Comments saying how I'm worthless, a waste of space, a shame to the world, that I don't deserve to live.. and those aren't even the worst comments I've got. I usually ignore the hate but most of the things they said to me, are the same things my parents told me when I came out.
So I began to believe them. I started cutting again a few days after I visited my family. The voice was too strong, I couldn't resist anymore. And now It felt like this was the only thing I still had control over. I can decide how many cuts I make, how deep I make them and how long I drag the blade over my skin, How much blood I want to draw.
It's the only thing that lets me know Im awake, the only thing that reminds me I'm still alive. It makes me feel something, anything, because lately I've felt nothing but numbness.
