I Can't Take It

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

One more cut. One more cut and I would be gone. I would be free. My stress and worries would disappear. I just can't deal with this anymore. No one can help me. I'm already dead. What's the use in living when you don't even feel alive. I'm gone. I'm invisible to everyone. I can't take it. If someone in this world can make me feel better then bring them to me, cause right now I'm unsure if there truly is anyone that could help me. Matthew Espinosa. Now he's the one person who could put a smile on my face. A genuine one. He's probably the only person to be able to make me smile. He just has that type of humour that makes me laugh. Not even my best friend can make me laugh. Although, she is more of a serious person.

"How you feeling?" My mum walked into my room. I had the curtains drawn and my door shut tight. I was in complete darkness. I haven't been going to school for 2 weeks. I haven't got the strength to. I just sit here watching videos. Videos that will make you smile. Either that or I will just sit and listen to music. People think i'm odd. That's another reason why I haven't gone to school, I get called all sorts of names. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. Most of the time, I can't hear them because I have my music on incredibly loud.

"What do you think?" I spoke sarcastically. I raised my eyebrows and she walked towards my window. She grabbed the edge of my curtains and parted them quickly. Filling my entire room with light. I pulled my covers over my head and groaned at the brightness. I felt my mum sit down beside me once again. She tapped my leg and then comforted me by rubbing her hands back and forth. It always soothed me and calmed me down when I was at my lowest.

I don't know if you have realised but I'm suicidal. I guess you could say that I thought I was a waste of space. Breathe. Life. It's true, I am a waste of space, breathe and life. I get judged by my appearance 24/7 and get told constantly how worthless I am. I wish I could be one of those people who doesn't care about negative remarks and just get on with my life... But I'm not. I'm far from it. I care so much that I physically harm myself. I've been to the hospital so many times that I'm surprised they don't have my own room set up. My mum cares too much about me. What I mean by that, is that if one day I decided to take my own life and not get interrupted then she would be lost. She would be broken. That's why I can never do it. Never take one little leap off the stall with the rope rung round my neck. Unable to ever jump out the window to the cold flat ground which would end my life instantly. I just stride through this. Well, I try but fail all the time. Just for my mum. She tells me that I shouldn't care what others think. Tells me that no matter what, I'm perfection to her. That's always enough for me to stop think suicide for a moment. Then she leaves my side and all those thoughts come crashing back into me.

"Come on sweetie, please... Try and get up at least today. Help me with some chores or we could even watch a film together." I pulled the covers down from my face. I slowly nodded as I propped myself up from underneath the stuffy covers. I smiled at how she rushed downstairs and about 50 seconds later shouted up to me with a whole bunch of film names in mind. She knew to what not to watch, it was what to watch that troubled her. I sighed and got out of bed, i wandered down the stairs towards the living room. "So I've found a whole bunch of these, pick one." She showed me the cases of films in a dealing card way. I pointed to Insidious. It was the one film that we had never watched but always wanted to. Most of the film we jumped and laughed it off. By the end of the film, we were ready to watch the 2nd one. My mum was like a best friend to me. Most people find that lame but I find it comforting.

"So has Matt got any new videos to watch?" My mum joked as she went into the kitchen. She was about to make waffles, I could smell them. She was crazy about Bart rather than the teenage boys. She thought he was 'super attractive' and other words that I feel slightly sick in the mouth to tell. She knew how much I loved Matt.

"I'll check... MUM! He's got a new video! Quick! Hurry!" I laughed. My mum ran in to the room in hysterics. We watched the video and there was never a moment that we didn't enjoy or laugh at. He always found a way to put a smile on my face. (As I said earlier).